It all started last week. After 15 months of working my ass off, I finally finished my advertising portfolio, and have started tossing my resume at anyone who even looked like they might work for an agency. I also showed off my new website to pretty much everyone I know, including one of my good friends who happens to be a recruiter. After telling me she was surprised how funny my work was, since I’m “not funny, just mean to her,” and several other rude comments, she actually gave me a piece of good advice, for once in her life. She told me that to maximize my visibility to recruiters, I needed to add as many relevant LinkedIn connections as possible. I immediately went on a rampage; requesting to connect with everyone I had ever interacted with in the industry, until finally, the well ran dry.
Then I realized I hadn’t made the biggest connection I had at my disposal- David “Business” Ruff. A man who not only does business, but is business. A man who, if the legends are true, once accidentally butt-dialed a small bakery, which by the end of the call was the largest baked goods conglomerate in North America. A man who is listed in Google Maps as a “local business.” Of course I had to send him a LinkedIn request. He accepted it this morning, and since then, I can’t stop doing business.
I usually wake up at 6:30 a.m. for work, after snoozing my alarm between three and eight times. Not this morning. When I first opened my eyes, not only was I already on the bus, I was wearing a full suit. Shocked, I looked down, only to find that my fingers were blurring on my iPhone keyboard, just hammering out emails like my life depended on it. Perhaps it did. I walked up to talk to the bus driver, concerned about where I was and what time it was. I’m not sure what happened in that conversation, but when I got off the bus ten minutes later, he thanked me for the advice on streamlining his route, and told me that I had increased his productivity by 38%.
Work was anything but normal. At no point during the day did I put my phone down or stop writing emails. I sat in on several meetings, and not only was I paying attention, but I had helpful, valuable input. I have several blurred memories of me correcting the CEO on company strategy; carving a sustainable growth chart into the boardroom table; and at one point, I’m pretty sure my eyes began glowing like Cyclops and projected a Prezi slideshow on the wall. It was 68 slides long, and I had talking points for each of them. Even when I attempted to take breaks I couldn’t stop the flow of business from my very pores. During my bathroom breaks (of which there were several, as I drank a cup of coffee every 16.3 minutes throughout the day), I remained glued to my phone. My poop breaks used to be a sacred time, where I would relax and mindlessly browse social media on my phone, but no longer. Today, even when I was doing my business I was doing my business. Whilst shitting, I updated the company mission statement and recoded the website for a better user experience. I don’t know how to write code.
Panicked from riding a wave of business the likes of which I had never even dreamed of, I attempted to get lunch to cool down. As if I could cool down. Closers don’t take breaks, and by god, since that fateful LinkedIn connection, I was a grade-A closer. Instead of ordering my usual from the local Cuban restaurant, I accidentally acquired their business and expanded it to a multinational chain. It is currently ranked at 17th on the New York Stock Exchange, and is the producer of more authentic Cuban cuisine than Cuba itself. In a desperate attempt to stop crushing it, I even went to the park and made myself stand motionless for 10 minutes. In that time I amassed $1,328.46 in change from passerby, and a profile on my “one-man modern art piece on the fluidity of time” was written in the arts section of the Chicago Tribune. Three Las Vegas casinos have requested it be a permanent act in their theatres.
I left work this evening as the new VP Business Acquisitions, absolutely drained from the high level of deals I had been making, my hands dry from all the palms I had greased. I was eager to relax with my girlfriend and even more eager to release some tension when she opened the door naked. She gave me a mischievous smile and whispered in my ear, “do you like what you see?” I could feel it welling up inside me. I tried to restrain myself, to whisper sweet nothings in her ear, but when I opened my mouth, all that came out was business.
“I PROJECT EXPONENTIAL GROWTH IN MY PANTS,”
I screamed, the effort of trying to stifle my need to do business only making it grow stronger.
“I WILL HAVE YOU DONE BY COB TODAY.”
Needless to say, I am back home alone. Business giveth, and business taketh away. Even as I desperately wish to go to sleep, I can’t stop closing. I tripped on my doorway and accidentally remodeled my home, tripling the initial investment value. My fingers bleed, but will not stop sending emails from my Blackberry (that my iPhone has turned into). When I shut my eyes, all I hear is a low chanting from the deep recesses of my brain. Business. Business. Business..
Image via Shutterstock