If you’ve got a hookup horror story, send it in using our submission form, and be sure to select “Column.” All stories will be made anonymous. Try to keep it under 500 words. Thou shalt not judge lest ye be judged.
Eric from Charlotte, N.C.
A couple years ago, I was seeing this girl; we can call her “Amanda.” At the end of a weekend away together, I realized things weren’t going to work out. The downside was, we hadn’t done any fooling around and this girl had an incredible body that I didn’t want to miss out on. When we got back to her place at the end of the weekend, she asked me to stay the night. She gave me the green light, so what else was I supposed to do?
We started fooling around and she was in the middle of, you know, the favor, when all of the sudden, she stopped. I was so confused by what was (or was not) happening. I’d never had someone stop right in the middle before. She said it was too quiet and I wasn’t making enough of a show about enjoying her performance, and that she was self-conscious. I reassured her and asked her to continue. I even offered to put on some music, but the damage was done. I tried to explain that it wasn’t exactly something people normally started but didn’t finish, but she wasn’t buying it. Nothing I said made her feel any better. Things got really awkward really quickly, so I ended up leaving. On my way home, I called a friend to tell him about this and to ask him if I was just being selfish. Funny enough, he was hanging out with her friend, who she had also called as soon as I left. My buddy reassured me I was not being unreasonable and even her friend agreed. He also tipped me off, saying she was thinking about coming over to smooth things out. After this conversation, I decided this was as good an excuse as ever to break things off.
Shortly after I got home, she called me and asked to come over so we could “make things right.” I fully intended on saying no, but of course what came out of my mouth was, “Yeah come on over.” I wasn’t sure exactly what to expect, but when she got there she jumped on me. I guess she wanted to prove her sexual prowess, so she ripped off her clothes and revealed some great looking lingerie. That body didn’t disappoint–she had curves in all the right places. Things quickly led right back to where we started, but this time she finished the job, and I wasn’t disappointed.
We saw each other a little longer, but ultimately decided things just weren’t going to work out. We’ll always have that night of super awkward hooking up, though. Who hasn’t been there?
Three Little Words
Aaron from Washington, D.C.
I had been steadily hooking up with a girl for about a week. We had only known each other for about a month, but one night, one thing led to another and we started hooking up. We became hookup buddies, eventually started to date, and indulged in a few adult sleepovers. I really liked her. She was cool, a bit younger than I was, and a total tomcat between the sheets.
I was drunk one night and we were in the midst of something shaping up to be pretty hot and heavy. I was whispering sweet nothings into her ear, and she was doing the same to me, but I felt the need to up the ante.
“Oh my god. You’re so fucking hot,” I said
“Yeah. Just like that,” she replied.
The sleaziest stuff that would come out of the worst male adult actor you could think of came out of my mouth. I had my next line ready to drop. It was going to be “I love your body.” Yep, that would do it. Chicks love compliments. I laid it on her, but what came out of my mouth was much more terrifying:
“Ohhhh… I love you.”
All that was missing was a cartoonish record scratch sound to accompany my monumental word vomit. She completely stopped, and the look of horror and confusion on her face was only outdone by the look of horror that was on mine. I had drunkenly forgotten what I was going to say, and defected to the absolute worst thing you can say to a casual hookup mid-coitus.
We stopped right there, she went into the bathroom for a couple of minutes while I gathered my things and composed an apology. Thankfully, she understood that it was a big time fuck up on my part, and when I told her the story, we had a pretty good laugh about it and then went about our business.