If you’ve got a hookup horror story, send it in using our submission form, and be sure to select “Column.” All stories will be made anonymous. Try to keep it under 500 words. Thou shalt not judge lest ye be judged.
“Gavin” from Dallas, TX
This happened after my graduation party two years ago. My family had thrown me a nice little get together at a bar in Norman (Boomer) and word spread quickly that my pops had thrown down the AmEx and drinks were on him. It was the least he could do after dropping six figures on my five-year drunken sex vacation.
The party got out of control after a couple of hours. My mom and dad were totally shitfaced and headed back to the hotel, but left the tab open at the bar. There was a chick that I had been wanting to bang since I met her my first weekend at OU. It was too perfect. She’s laying it on thick, about how much she’s going to miss me and then she pretty much drunkenly confesses to me that she’s in love with me and wants to be with me, in more ways than besides her putting me inside of her mouth. I was shocked. Only one problem: She wasn’t moving to Dallas. She was moving to Boston or New York or something dumb.
I immediately begin planning my exit strategy to bed this gal. I needed this. I was about to enter the world of 8-5 workdays and health insurance. This was my chance. It was almost exactly like Kevin Costner in For Love of the Game, except this chick was way hotter than Kelly Preston. Just an old beaten down vet, ready for one last shot at glory.
We get back to my apartment and she passes out after a lengthy make out session. I didn’t even get to see her naked. I woke up the next morning and she was gone. Still haunts me to this day.
The Other Woman
“Rachel” from Denver, CO
I met a normal guy on Tinder and we went out for drinks a couple of times. We got down to business the second time we met. God bless Tinder. We continue hooking up for about a month and even had “the talk,” but decided to keep things open, which I guess I was okay with. I’m not about to try to explain to my parents how I met boyfriend #3 since college.
We continued our non-exclusive relationship for awhile and after a bit, I foolishly thought we were becoming exclusive hookup buddies.
I met up with him late one night at a bar and I immediately sensed something was up. He was acting all shifty and his eyes kept darting towards the door, like he was expecting someone to come in and murder him. Turns out, I wasn’t that far off.
Sure enough, some ditzy blonde comes stumbling up to his side and starts making eyes at him. “Can I help you?” I asked the drunken sloot. She’s a wreck, totally confused as to who I am. Sure enough, she’s not happy that I’m with this guy. This is when it all comes to a head. She grabbed my hair and began throwing punches. We both get kicked out of the bar and I never talk to Tinder man ever again.
She was yet another member of this guy’s army of Tinder whores, which from what I was told, was rather extensive. I even met one of his Tinder whores out one night after telling this story and we had a fun bonding moment, so it wasn’t entirely a disaster.