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Humpday Hookup Horror Stories: Boner Tent

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If you’ve got a Humpday Hookup Horror Story, submit it to support@postgradproblems.com. Try to keep it under 500 words. All submissions will be made anonymous. Thou shalt not judge, lest ye be judged.

Boner Tent
“James” from St. Louis, MO

This comes from back in my college days, but I think it’s a worthy story. I had gone to the G-Phi formal with an older guy from my house, “Trent.” He was a huge degenerate. Got blackout drunk five nights a week, scuttled by on a 2.2 GPA, and still somehow managed to land one of the biggest smokeshows on campus. He looked like a slightly more handsome version of Sloth from “The Goonies.” I have no idea how he did it. His girlfriend set me up with her little for formal one night at a house party, “Jenny.” I was pumped. G-Phis on my campus were super foxes. Absolute dimes. Hate to admit it, but I was nervous.

I was a hit at formal. Got in trouble for dancing on tables and I forced the bus driver to pull over twice. It was great. Her little was really impressed with my partying acumen. I was in. This chick would be my trophy lay. One that would give me spank bank material for the rest of my life. We got back to their house and decided to have after hours in their room. After about an hour, Trent and his girlfriend kicked us out. Trent was blacked out, per usual. Jenny and I went to her room and started making out. She dropped the whole “I really like you and want it to be special when we do it” routine on me. Whatever, this ass was worth waiting for. So, we kept making out for a while when I suddenly heard shrieking and laughter coming from the hallway. I tried to ignore it and continue the top class makeout sesh with Jenny. Then, I heard Trent’s girlfriend screaming.

I stumbled out of the room and saw James, completely naked, except he was wearing his girlfriend’s miniskirt that he had apparently mistaken for shorts or some sort of philanthropy t-shirt that he could have fashioned into shorts. His boner had lifted the skirt up and the entire lower portion of his package was completely exposed, just swinging in the breeze. He apparently got lost looking for the bathroom and decided that a six-inch miniskirt was the best thing to clothe himself with on his trek to the restroom. I crumpled to the floor in laughter and before I could even guide him back to the safety of his girlfriend’s room, I heard the loud trodding of Crocs plodding on the carpet of what could only be the Standards chair marching down the hallway. Sure enough, there she was, in all her bloated glory. She kicked me and James out of the house after we haphazardly threw some clothes on his body.

There’s still a picture of his boner tent floating around somewhere on the internet.

Tuck and Roll
“Katie” from Houston, TX

After four dates with a guy, I decided that I really liked him and he had finally earned a little slap and tickle from yours truly. He was super sweet, quiet and funny. I didn’t think he was “the one,” but he was definitely worth a shot. I thought he was a virgin for the longest time and that was the reason he had never made a move. He seemed nervous whenever we got physical and I knew that sexual chemistry might be the only issue holding a potential future back.

Date number four came to an end and I decided to bring him back to my place. I had cleaned, washed my sheets, even bought a couple of candles at Target and told my roommate to sleep at her boyfriend’s place. I had turned my apartment into a seduction palace. There would be no confusion when we walked in. I wanted to jump his bones. I was ready for him. Once we got home, we didn’t even fuck around with drinks or coffee. Right to the bedroom.

We went at it for a good 20 minutes. He was amazing. All of my worries about sexual chemistry vanished.

That is until after we had achieved climax.

I lit up a cigarette in bed and told him how amazing he was through the bathroom door. He was oddly silent. After a few minutes, he came out of the door with his dick tucked between his legs. Full Buffalo Bill-style. His eyes got wide and he said, “It puts the lotion on its skin.” I shit you not. I squirmed in my bed and legit thought I was about to get murdered/made into a skin suit. Then he started laughing hysterically. I threw his clothes at him and the maniacal smile was wiped off his face and replaced with a look of disappointment. “What? I thought it was funny! Aw, come on!”

Threw him out and never talked to him again. Ya blew it.

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