If you’ve got a hookup horror story, send it in using our submission form, and be sure to select “Column.” All stories will be made anonymous. Try to keep it under 500 words. Thou shalt not judge lest ye be judged.
The Little Things
“Isaac” from Orange, CA
I can’t remember how far back it goes, but I’ve always had a little person fetish. Midgets, if you want to be politically uncorrect. I was barreling through my mid-20s and the closest I’d ever gotten to having relations with a little person was clicking the “Midgets” tab on Pornhub. My closest friends knew about my attraction to little people and would always point out midgets, no matter where we were.
One night we were out at the bar, and sure enough, there was a little person sitting at the other end of the bar. She was really cute, too. My friends even agreed. So I bought her a drink, got to talking and we were off to the races. I wasn’t sure how much she could drink, probably much less than myself, so I took it easy. I finally closed on her and we headed out of the bar, back to my place.
We got down to business. Finally, the one weird sexual fantasy I had was coming true. I swear on my family that I am not at all a sexual deviant, I just have this one fantasy that I needed to fulfill before becoming a real adult. So, I’m navigating the fresh, new waters of sex with a little person and getting the hang of it. The size difference certainly took some getting used to, but soon enough, we were totally doing it.
Clumsy and drunk, I finally finished. I flopped down on top of her, exasperated and ready to call it a night. Unfortunately, I had forgotten that she was half the size of me. I heard a snap and suddenly she started having trouble breathing. It was terrifying. I had obviously severely hurt her when I had dropped virtually the entire weight of my body on top of her. Oh, fuck.
I called 911 and they got there in about 10 minutes. She wasn’t dying by any means, she was just in tremendous pain whenever she breathed. The EMTs had a look at her and determined she probably had a couple of broken ribs.
The next week, she called me up and we hooked up again, but left it at that. I had fulfilled my strangest sex fantasy. Don’t judge me. God knows what kind of sick shit everyone else wants to do.
“Quinn” from Denver, CO
The girl in question – “Cary” – is the older sister of one of my best girl friends – “Stacey” – and I had known her for many years. It should be noted, though, that I’d previously had sex with Stacey one time.
It was Cary’s birthday and Stacey invited me over to pregame before we went out. As Stacey lived in the building behind me, it was convenient. Cary was there and she looked fan-fucking-tastic. She was never fat, per se, but she had lost a bunch of weight since I had last seen her and her body was slamming. I immediately knew what my goal was that night. Given my history with her sister, it was a sleazy one.
We’d been drinking a LOT and headed to the club. About five minutes in, Cary and I were sucking face on the dancefloor and it didn’t take long before she suggested we go to my place so we literally ran out without saying bye to anyone.
At this point we were a slopshow deluxe. We’re walking through the alley behind my apartment, and it turned out Cary couldn’t wait. Clothes start coming off and we briefly start going at it in plain sight in the alley. I say briefly because almost as soon as insertion occurred, a couple and their dog walked by the alley and we scrambled out of there.
Once home, we started hooking up again, but in a moment of drunken conscience, I determine that this chick is way too hammered and it would feel a tad rapey to continue so I stopped things and we passed out.
Weirdness follows. I awaken to find myself, her and my bed COVERED in piss. She had pissed everywhere. This chick had to go. As I began to think about what to do with this corpse in my bed, I decided to check my phone which had been on silent in my pants across the room. I find about 30 texts and missed calls from Stacey freaking out, thinking Cary was abducted. This is because apparently in our mid-bang rush to get out of the alley, Cary dropped her purse. Someone walked by, saw the purse, called the first number in her phone (it was Stacey’s) and returned the lone purse to Stacey’s house. It was about 5:00am at this point, Stacey wasn’t answering my calls, so I haphazardly got Cary’s clothes on and dragged her out of my apartment over to Stacey’s where I banged on the door until she answered to take her mess of a sister away and I could begin thinking about washing my sheets of all the piss and shame.
Cary woke up the next morning and decided to quit drinking (like, started going to AA meetings and stopped drinking entirely). I woke up and had to meet my dad at Easter Sunday church. Me and Cary have not seen or spoken to each other since.