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How You’re Becoming A Degenerate: Sports Betting

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When I was in college, I had a friend come up to me and my girlfriend. He was noticeably intoxicated and I was obviously not concerned, because college. I started poking fun at him, while making sure he was okay. He just had one of those dead-behind-the-eyes looks. It was 8pm on a non-gameday, so naturally we were already trying to figure out ways to get him back home. He drunkenly rambled on about all sorts of things and I jabbed back at him.

After a few minutes of this, he stared down my girlfriend and proclaimed, “Did you know you’re dating a degenerate?” What followed was a series of whoa-bros and come-on-nows, which ended in me socking him in the face, picking him up off the ground and putting him in a cab back to his apartment. That’s what friends are for.

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His drunken comment stuck with me for the rest of the night. Was I really a degenerate? I know I only pulled a 2.2 that semester, but it’s not like I’m a lower class of human. That story still sticks with me to this day, not just because it makes me laugh, but because it also makes me think.

Well, that girlfriend is long gone now, but my degeneracy certainly rears it’s ugly head from time to time. What’s a currently single, formerly over-privileged, private school-educated, white kid supposed to do?

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With the advent of college football season upon us, I’ve got the itch. I’m rolling through my contacts to see which bookies I’ve still got on retainer and dropping an extra $100 bucks into my Sportsbook account.

I got into betting easily enough. A friendly wager with a classmate here, betting my car title there. It’s a natural progression.

But now that I have plenty of expendable income on my hands and no significant other to monitor my finances, I’m in a total free-for-all mode with CFB starting up this weekend. I’ve already laid bets on Tulsa/Bowling Green, UMass/Wisconsin and of course, UNC/South Carolina.

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I like betting on the little games. It makes me feel like I’m a real odds maker, a Vegas high-roller who knows more than anyone else. Hey, anytime you can take the Golden Hurricane on the road +3.5, you gotta do it. That Bill Blankenship squad’s hard-nosed C-USA style will be plenty to shut down BGSU’s high-flying MAC attack. I heard Wisconsin’s nickelback got a chick pregnant during the offseason, so you’re damn right I’m taking UMass plus the points. Jadaveon Clowney can’t be as good as he was last year, right? Right. That’s why I’m taking the Heels to pull off the upset in Columbia. Straight up on the moneyline. I’ll be moving to Vegas to open up my own sportsbook and rolling in US treasury bonds in no time.

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See what I’m talking about? I’m an amazing degenerate when it comes to sports. Please don’t take my betting advice. I’m already busy ruining my own life and finances over here. I am the definition of a guy who shouldn’t be betting on football games. I bet with my heart, not my brain. I root for the underdog. Does that make me an idiot? No. Does that make me an idiot with my money? Probably.

I’m just hoping I’m not cashing in my 401K in November to pick Washington to upset Oregon, but it’s probably gonna happen.

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Brian McGannon

What do I love? I love happy hour, a good golf tan, and getting moderately drunk during dinner.

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