New Year’s Day is the most hungover day of the year. How do I know it’s the most hungover day of the year? Because I was going to write this yesterday, but I was too hungover.
“Is it in you?” Well, depending on your gender/which side of the plate you swing from, “it” probably still isn’t “in you.” Where “it” was “in you” last night, you may never know for sure. What you do know is that your body is desperate for delicious fruit punch-flavored electrolytes. You’re an athlete. An athletic specimen. You polished off eight Makers and gingers before 11pm last night. You put your body through the gauntlet and you want to reward it by replenishing it’s reserves of potassium, calcium and sodium for that marathon* you’ll be doing later.
*Pizza Hut order
Water & Advil
Cut and dry. You’re not going to get fancy with your hangover remedies. A fistful of brown pills, a swig from your Nalgene and you’re ready to go, my friend. Nothing extravagant about it.
You are determined to overcome your hangover through sheer force, but you don’t want to do too much work. You have no problem with walking through your gym in sweats, last night’s shirt and Crocs. Sweat pours off of you and splashes to the ground, carrying last night’s transgressions along with it, for some poor sap to mop up later. You feel so re-energized that you could probably stick around for a workout, but no. You drank last night, and you deserve an entire day off.
You are so in. You are so now. Your cosmopolitan ways shine through as you browse past the traditional Powerade, OJ, bottled water and coffee at your local 7-11 and go straight for the good stuff: Nature’s Pedialyte AKA Coconut Water. It’s delicious, refreshing and healthy. Never mind that one carton has 50g of sugar in it. You’re rehydrating yourself the way the creator wanted you to, and also, you really like how cute the carton looks.
Hair Of The Dog
You have a problem and should seek professional help, unless it’s a Bloody Mary. Tomato juice has vitamins and stuff in it and you’re trying to be healthy.
Lay In Bed All Day and Do Nothing
They say the best way to get your hangover recovery started is by moving, even if that movement is just going from your bed to the couch. But why would you even feel need to move? You have everything you could ever want at arm’s reach. Phone, computer, tablet. It’s all there. You don’t need food (yet). You were very smart and put water next to your bed before passing out. Technically, you could stay in bed for days and not die. The body can go without food for weeks as long as you have water and you have a 72 oz. Quiktrip thermos full of H20. The battle for survival is on.
Mass Quantities Of Greasy Food
You think this might help, but it’s actually been shown that greasy food only helps curing hangovers if you eat it before you start drinking and allegedly makes your hangover worse if you eat too much greasy food. But when has science really proven anything? You’re a traditionalist and you passed out before the pizza man showed up at your apartment. You deserve a break.
Business As Usual
You’re a freak of nature who doesn’t get hangovers, AKA a liar. Stop lying. Everyone gets hangovers. You are not a special snowflake. You probably just wake up when you’re still drunk. The bad news is that you’re about to enter the horrific downward spiral that is the transition from morning-drunk to hungover. You can put on a brave face and try as mightily as you may, but we all see it. You’re a mess inside.