The time of my fair-skinned people is right around the corner, folks. This year, we get to trade in our Monday blues for some St. Paddy’s green. (If you spell it St. Patty’s, just GTFO. But first, educate yourself.) Get your shoe buckles ready and practice saying, “Top of the mornin’ to ya, lad!” because you’re about to do what the Irish do best: drink ’til your belly is fuller than a sack o’ potatoes. As Margot Leitman once said, “St. Patrick’s Day is a holy day for Roman Catholics in Ireland to pray and a day for drunk people to vomit with their pants down in New Jersey.” So let me help you make the most out the holiday that gives everyone an excuse to celebrate his or her 4 percent Irish heritage in a drunken stupor. I’ve analyzed the most popular, classic St. Patrick’s Day drinks to guide you through your favorite mid-week holiday this year.
Ingredients: cheap beer, green food coloring
You should start your day drinking off right with a good, old-fashioned green beer. It’ll take you approximately two sips to remind your sober mind why you ditched deer-piss beer after you graduated, but who cares. It’s green, it tastes like a cardboard box, and it has alcohol in it.
Guinness Extra Stout
Ingredients: beer, a really big glass
That’s more like it–something that is dark and delicious, with a whopping 7.5 percent alcohol content. If you really think you can drink with the big Irish boys, you drink no less than 10 of these throughout the day. Don’t think you can handle it and still make room for the rest of this list? My people will be more unimpressed by you than they were with the potato yield in the mid-18th century.
Irish Car Bomb
Ingredients: a half-and-half shot of Jameson and Bailey’s dropped into half a glass of Guinness
If you haven’t done one of these, then you can’t consider yourself a drinker. If you have done one of these, you probably don’t remember a great part of your life. Once you drop the shot, drink this faster than you would change the channel if “The Big Bang Theory” was on. This concoction will go from looking like a YooHoo to a glass of diarrhea in a matter of seconds. But don’t worry, lads. Your Irish Car Bomb will get its chance to curdle in your stomach as you run to the bar for your next round of booze.
Redheaded Slut (AKA Ginger Bitch)
Ingredients: Jagermeister, peach schnapps, cranberry juice, your dignity
While this one can be made as a shooter or a mixed drink, who has the time to sip casually on St. Paddy’s? Go the shooter route. Be wary of large chested, redheaded shot girls parading around with trays of these, cunningly asking if you’d like to do a Ginger Bitch in the mouth. Instead of going home with you, they’ll take your wallet home with them. Also, shooters from a shot girl are always watered down. In Ireland, that’s a sin.
Ingredients: all the liquors of a Long Island Iced Tea (vodka, white rum, tequila, and gin), blue curaçao, an entire can of Redbull
Watch your drink, formerly known as an Adios Motherfucker, evolve into an Irish Trashcan as the Redbull changes it from blue to green. I’m usually hammered by the time I order this, and I tell people it’s a metaphor for when a legendary leprechaun named O’Callaghan saved Ireland from the potato famine blues by using only golden beverages. Then, about halfway through the glass, I black out and rally up the pub to sing a round of “AND I WOULD WALK 500 MILES!”
Ingredients: If the bartender uses anything but straight Jameson, step back and ask the closest freckle-faced woman how it’s done.
Usually a closer to the night, but I have no shame knowing I’ve used it as an opener. By the time your pounding shots of Irish whiskey while belting drinking songs in slurred (and totally made up) Gaelic, you’re probably a heartbeat or two away from alcohol poisoning. But who the heck cares! You’ve landed yourself a paled-face wench who your friends reassured you was an eight, and a night of memories you’ll never remember.
Green Bloody Mary
Ingredients: cucumber vodka, green hot sauce, maybe some vegetables, tomatillos (also referred to as “leprechaun poop” in Enya’s latest single)
Happy Tuesday, March 18. Time to curse the name of whatever pope deemed March 17 the day for the world to imbibe in honor of St. Patrick. Couldn’t he follow the teachings of Thanksgiving and be on the third Thursday of every March? Swallow this bad boy down, attempt to work while still under the glorious influence of the previous day’s revelries, and count down the days until you get to do it all over again.