Gentlemen, what’s the one thing holding you back from watching every single college football game every single Saturday of fall? That’s right, your girlfriend. Now, you have two options: you can break up with her or you can turn her into a college football junkie. I don’t recommend the former, because you’ll never find anyone as cute and adorable as the girl you’re dating now. Trust me. Contrary to popular belief, the latter is actually not impossible.
If your girlfriend already loved college football before you met her, then congratulations. You’ve found a keeper. Marry her, now, and never, ever let her go. Then continue on about your way. This column is not for you.
Before I get into it, allow me to share with you a quick backstory on me. I got married young to a beautiful woman. My wife is the middle child of three girls. (Let’s have a quick moment of silence for my father-in-law, who was the only one in the house with a Y chromosome.) Little did I know, until it was too late, that football was not important in her family. Go figure. She likes sports the same way I like Maroon 5. I don’t care if it’s on in the background, but I would never go out of my way for it. She understood why I would watch my alma mater’s game, but she couldn’t figure out for the life of her why I had to watch Oregon versus Georgia, Oklahoma State versus Baylor, and Michigan versus Virginia Tech. “You just don’t understand,” I would say, after being unable to come up with a valid reason why I, myself, had to watch these games.
However, I can finally say my wife is obsessed with college football. She’ll watch ESPN’s “College GameDay” with me in the morning and will make our plans based on that day’s slate of games. Pay close attention, and I’ll help you attain this lifestyle. Just abide by these steps, and you’ll have her RSVPing “Unable To Attend” to fall weddings in no time.
(Note: It should be a lot easier to convert her into a college football fan now that the BCS no longer exists.)
Only watch the end of close games in the beginning.
This is like watching the Cliff’s Notes of football. If you start off the bat trying to watch full games with her, she’ll get bored by the second quarter, or if you’re lucky, the third. As she watches, give her quick backstories of the players and the meanings of each game, but make it sound like gossip: “See this kid? He transferred after getting kicked out of his last school,” or “This guy was arrested, but he’s still playing because his football program cares more about winning than having a shred of morality,” or “This quarterback is dating this girl who was made famous during the National Championship because she’s so hot, but guess what? She goes to the rival school! Can you believe it?!”
Explain how college football is the best reality TV.
Your girlfriend probably already loves reality TV, and if she says she doesn’t, she does. We all get sucked into reality TV. Heck, I watched an entire season of Tila Tequila’s “Shot at Love 2,” because I got sucked into a Saturday afternoon marathon one day. Also, I don’t know why I just admitted that. That’s neither here nor there. The point is, your girlfriend loves reality TV. This is when you explain to her that there is nothing more real than college football. The outcomes of these games are undetermined until the final second ticks off the clock–unless you’re playing Vanderbilt, Illinois, Kansas, or some team like that, in which case, you pretty much know you’re going to win. The players in these games aren’t getting paid.* They’re college students just like we used to be.** When they’re not playing football on national TV, they’re at the student union or grabbing a slice of pie at the local pizza joint. They’re not getting plastic surgery or trying to break the internet with their butts.
College football is as real as reality TV can be.
** not really like we used to be
Have her pick a team.
Make sure it’s a team that is good. She’ll lose interest if it’s a mediocre or crappy team. It’s okay if she doesn’t pick your favorite team. In fact, it’s probably better that way, because unless your favorite team is playing her team, you’re guaranteed to watch at least two different games each Saturday.
Make her watch “Rudy.”
If there’s one thing women love, it’s wearing oversized sorority philanthropy T-shirts to the gym. But if there’s two things women love, it’s having their heartstrings tugged. What better way to tug at their heartstrings than through a movie that’s kind of about college football. Your girlfriend will love seeing Frodo’s buddy, Samwise, work hard to make it on a Division I football team alongside a young Vince Vaughn, all while being tutored by Jon Favereau. She’ll see a new side to college football. A sweeter side. A heartwarming side. Use this to your advantage, and make sure the movie you watch is “Rudy” and not “The Program.” The latter will cause reverse effects.
Show her Kliff Kingsbury.
If all else fails, just say, “Oh yeah, did I tell you there’s a college football coach who looks exactly like Ryan Gosling?” But be warned, gentlemen. This strategy has the potential to backfire, like it has in my home. It doesn’t matter if my alma mater is playing in the biggest game of the season. If Texas Tech has a game against Division IV’s Montgomery State A&M, we would watch that instead, all because of Kliff Kingsbury. Why do I let this happen? Because it’s a compromise. We either watch Kliff Kingsbury or we turn off ALL football and watch the real Ryan Gosling take off his shirt in “Crazy Stupid Love,” which we already do an uncomfortable amount of times in my house. You’ll be surprised how far a symmetrical face, a pair of Ray-Bans, good hair, and a smile that makes you question your sexuality can go in getting your girlfriend to watch college football on a weekly basis.
Show her Kliff Kingsbury shirtless.
If this doesn’t work, break up with her. There is no hope. You can find someone better, anyway..