Ever had a crush on the one semi-good looking guy who’s three cubicles down but are afraid he still has no idea who you are, regardless of the incessant work-related emails you exchange? Well, quit your worrying, take a chill pill (read: Xanax) and trick that slightly beer-bellied man candy into becoming your one true love for all of eternity.
Befriend His Mother Before Befriending Him
If you two are friends on Facebook, it will be extremely easy to get in touch with his mother. As we all learned from “How I Met Your Mother,” nobody cool is left on Facebook because it’s overrun by parents. His mother is the older woman who may or may not have a different last name, and she leaves links to videos that went viral two years ago on his page. If this woman posts something along the lines of, “this YouTube is a real LOL!” then you know you’ve found the woman who gave birth to him. Creep on her Facebook. Look for signs of where she works, what she does, and where she hangs out. This really won’t be hard, because her generation loves a good status update but has no idea how to work the privacy settings, let alone social media in general. Once you casually run into her, befriend the shit out of her by making her feel young and hip again. She’ll fall in love with you, dream of you being her daughter-in-law, and force an arranged marriage between you and her son. Bingo bango.
Thrive Off Rumors
So you and Mr. Three Cubicles Down land yourself in a completely innocent yet seemingly compromising situation. You were both in the copy room together at the same time with the door wide open, and you were too nervous to even say hi because you were thinking about the dinner plans you made with his mother for tonight. When Agatha, the nosy chick from administration, makes a joke about you two being together that no one really even hears, RUN WITH IT. He can’t escape being your boyfriend when everyone in the office thinks you two belong together. If you tell everyone it’s true, it’ll make him look like the jackass when he says, “I don’t even know who this bitch is.” You’re the female, after all. Everyone will believe you.
Douse His Cubicle In Your Perfume
They say that smell is the most sexual of all the senses. Start going into work early–it will give you ample time to literally drown that sucker’s cube in your favorite perfume from Walgreens. Choose something strong and fruity to ensure the smell gives him a solid morning woody. After choking on these carcinogens for roughly two to three weeks, his body will be conditioned to get a boner every time he smells you, and in doing so, help him look past those crazy eyes you probably have. Using a little Pavlovian conditioning to trick him into being your boyfriend: the smartest move you’ll ever make legally.
If you’ve tried the above tactics and he has instead issued a warrant for your arrest (and not in the sexy, showing-up-at-your-door-with-handcuffs kind of way) revert to good, old-fashioned Voodoo. Make a puppet stuffed with the tissues he used that you’ve sorted through in your cubicle cluster’s trashcan. Steal one of the good pens from his desk to draw his face on the doll. Don’t return it. It is his good pen after all, and it writes smoother in your diary than a Matthew McConaughey pick up line. If this doesn’t work, then you’re shit out of luck. At least you’ve made a new friend out of the whole debacle who will give you self assurance by liking everything you post on Facebook. Maybe she can set up you up with the single DILF she knows from spin class.