How To Survive The Ebolapocalypse

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It began with two infected volunteers who were brought to Atlanta from overseas to be treated. It seemed like a stupid move to risk an outbreak to treat two people who voluntarily decided to help treat Ebola patients in Africa. That, luckily, turned out fine. Then, an individual who returned from West Africa to Dallas was diagnosed with Ebola; now, an associate of his is showing symptoms, and several children are under observation. In addition, another patient in Hawaii is showing symptoms of Ebola. The Ebolapocalypse is upon us, and no matter how specific the transmission method is, apparently people enjoy coming into direct contact with the bodily fluids of others. I didn’t get the memo on that fad. Regardless, whether through mutation and adaptation of the virus or just through carelessness, it’s spreading–and now it’s in America.

I’ve seen “I Am Legend” and “The Walking Dead.” This kind of thing is no joke. Eventually, the hemorrhaging, feverish, highly contagious Ebola zombies will be upon us and we will have to be prepared. It’s not just the Ebola zombies we have to fear–it’s the ensuing anarchy, panic, and turf wars. However, with a little preparation, we just might survive this outbreak.

1. Shelter

Ebola zombies are not very smart. The Ebola virus has basically liquified their brains, so we don’t really need to worry about outsmarting them. They won’t be able to outflank us and they can’t learn to open doors like the velociraptors in “Jurassic Park.” That said, you also need to find shelter that can serve as a decent stronghold against brigands and looters, because resources will be scarce. I recommend a remote, gated outpost if possible, as the Ebola will spread the most throughout cities, the way every other apocalyptic plague did, i.e. the Black Death. If you’re stuck in the city, a gated complex on a hill will give you the advantage of high security and altitude. Make sure you band together with uninfected friends, family, and neighbors, because you’re more likely to survive with allies. You may also want to stock up on hazmat suits in case you get too close to an Ebola zombie. If you get infected, you’re likely done for.

2. Food

Stock up on food and water long before the outbreak hits. You know those crazy preppers everyone makes fun of? They are very much prepared for the Ebolapocalypse. Dried fruits and veggies, purified water, freezers (if possible), vitamins, protein powders, materials to build fires, and salted meats, if gathered correctly, can provide significant sustenance for a decent amount of time. You will also have to learn how to hunt and gather, as you will likely be eating cute squirrels and bunnies to avoid starvation, followed by leaves and grass for fiber. Luckily, rodents are immune to Ebola. I think. If all else fails, stock up on Twinkies. Those things can survive a nuclear apocalypse.

3. Weapons And Ammunition

Traditionally, zombies are killed by being shot in the brain. Everyone knows that. However, the Ebola zombies are different. The Ebola has liquified their brains, so a headshot will do no good. You’ll basically have to blow them apart. I recommend an 8 gauge shotgun with plenty of shells, as well as IEDs and, if possible, materials to set the Ebola zombies on fire. You’ll have to fight them from a safe distance or in a hazmat suit, as the zombie goo will carry the Ebola virus and infect you. It’s science. To fight off brigands and rival anarchist factions, you will likely need semiautomatic rifles and handguns, too. This is basically a military operation. Hell on Earth. However, fighting a perpetual war is probably preferable to experiencing the horrible symptoms of Ebola, then becoming a mindless Ebola zombie.

Personally, I think we could have prevented this by blocking all travel into North America from Africa as soon as the outbreak began, although we probably should have just put a hazmat bubble over the continent of Africa a long time ago. I don’t remember the last good thing that came out of Africa. Or, we could have transported all the Ebola patients to ISIS camps in the Middle East to kill two birds with one stone, but we didn’t, and what’s done is done. Now we have to prepare for the worst and try to contain the Ebola zombie outbreak the best we can. It was nice knowing you guys.

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