I don’t know about you, but in my office, it’s a big thing to start talking about your weekend plans at around noon on Wednesday. Plus, we have Martin Luther King Jr. Day off on Monday, so everyone’s getting even more tickled than usual about weekend plans.
Personally, my weekends are always the same. Friday: two bottles of wine to the dome. Saturday: go to the farmer’s market, run on the treadmill for five minutes, day drink, tequila shots, blackout. Sunday: bottomless mimosa brunch, hangout with my cat, cry about starting work the next day. Unfortunately, I can’t really tell my coworkers/boss/anyone I want to take me seriously that blacking out and buying succulents from the farmer’s market is all I ever have planned. To eloquently discuss your plans, follow these easy steps I’ve developed.
1. Always downplay your weekend, unless you’re doing something that’s actually exciting.
After someone asks me what my plans are, I always start with “Oh, nothing much. I’ll probably (insert terribly boring weekend activity here).” I know it’s lame, but it’s better than the truth, and it keeps ‘em guessing.
2. Dance around the question to gauge what your proper response should be.
Next, ask what everyone else’s plans are. If your boss/coworker has boring plans, DO NOT tell them that you’re going to Vegas for the weekend and may be late to work on Monday or need a half day.
3. Let everyone know that you’re going to be doing something fun, but not crazy.
You don’t want to be completely boring, but you also don’t want everyone to know that you’re a shit show. Try saying something like “Just grabbing a couple beers with friends” or “My family is down for the weekend, so we’re trying out a new restaurant.”
4. Throw in a little hint that you’re an active human being.
For some reason, people love it when it sounds like you’re actually doing something productive and worthwhile with your time. Tell everyone that you’re planning on going on a hike, cycling for a few hours, working out, doing yoga, etc.
5. Casually mention that you’ll be focusing on some aspect of work over the weekend.
Don’t try too hard or everyone will know that you’re blatantly lying. Say something simple like, “Oh yeah, I’m planning on reading a few of those articles on Sunday,” or “Super stoked to catch up on a couple reports so that I’m refreshed for a great Monday.”
6. Slip in a little detail that your boss will recognize and love.
This is the icing on the cake. If your boss loves sports, mention that you’ll be watching the big game this weekend. If they love a certain restaurant, BOOM. You just happen to be going there this weekend and it’s your new favorite place. Be careful not to take it too far, however. There’s a fine line between appreciation and ass-kissing.
7. Embrace your relationship status.
It’s just a fact that single people like hearing about other people’s single plans, and relationship people like hearing about relationship plans (I think? This isn’t an area I have a lot of expertise in). If everyone you work with is married, don’t gush about the random chicks/dudes you’re hoping to bang over the weekend. If most people are single, go for it. Just maybe say “date” instead of “bang.”
8. Put it all together and execute.
My work-approved weekend conversation typically sounds something like this:
Coworker/Boss: “Hey, what are your plans this weekend?”
Me: “Oh nothing too crazy, what about you?”
Coworker/Boss: “I’ll probably just go out to dinner with my wife and see some of my college buddies. I have a softball game Sunday with my adult league, so that’ll be a good time.”
Me: “Nice! I play softball from time to time. I’ll probably end up going on a hike Saturday with some of my girlfriends and then we’ll head out for dinner and drinks after. I’m thinking about getting ahead writing a few articles after the game Sunday though. Any suggestions on some topics I should focus on?”
If you have a wonderful job that doesn’t care that your real weekend is actually just blacking out/embarrassing yourself for two days, good for you! Keep that shit forever.