Long gone are the days of mani-pedis and conditioning treatments. Welcome to the new age of beauty. The age where you’re broke. Pampering includes letting your best friend wax your beav, bleaching your arm hairs, and trying not to blind yourself with eyelash glue. All can be done in the comfort of your own freezing cold apartment, pantsless, while binge watching “Revenge” on the ‘Flix.
Dye Your Own Hair
Eyebrows, lady ‘stache, arm hair, head hair: dye it all. Yourself. Why pay $12 to get your eyebrows dyed when you can buy a hair dye kit that will last you a year for $7? Mix a little dye in a Dixie cup and use a Q-tip to apply. Twenty minutes later, you’ll be good to go.
Self conscious about the dark peach fuzz covering your arms? Don’t shave it! For the love of God, don’t you dare take a razor to it. Unless you want to look like Chewbacca’s petite cousin, trade in the razor for some bleach. It’s quick, cheap, and you won’t have to worry about coarse, leg-like hair growing back in a week. #sandpaper
Give Your BFF The Wax
“Hey, what are you doing tomorrow? Nothing? Great. Come over and wax my LB.” Lower back. Labia. Left breast. Whatever. That’s the text you need to send to your best friend rather than booking a $40 Brazilian at the questionable salon you saw on Groupon.
There is no need to let a stranger get all up in your strange for a stupid amount of cash when your BFF will do it for free. Heat that shit up, spread ’em, and return the favor when she’s done.
Whiten Your Fangs For Less Than $50
Treat yourself to 30 minutes of teeth whitening, courtesy of numerous at-home white strips. At the dentist, this procedure can cost up to $800–but buy a $30 whitening kit at the drug store and you can have pearly whites in no time.
Throw them in during your morning commute, secretly whiten during a conference call, or whiten while you shower before a Tinder date. Years of cigs and coffee stains can be erased during the time it takes to watch one episode of “Game Of Thrones.”
Step out of the shower, dry off, and lather on ridiculous amounts of Lubriderm ALL OVER. I’m talking thick layers on your T&A, legs, back, and, most importantly, your face. If you want to avoid injecting muscle paralyzers in your face before age 30, then you NEED to get serious about your moisturizer routine.
Makeup tutorials, DIY blowouts, spray tans, vegazzling–everything is literally at your fingertips. Too many girls have sealed their eyes shut with lash glue. It’s time to put your brain back to work (because actually going to work has made your brain mush) and learn how to properly contour your face. Newsflash: if done properly, it can make you look 10 pounds thinner! Google it or GTFO of my selfie.