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How To Respond To LinkedIn “Job Offers”

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Job “offers” via LinkedIn are a daily, weekly or monthly occurrence for the majority of postgrads. I put offers in quotations because they aren’t job offers, per se. They are basically an invitation to interview for a company nearly identical to your own, only they are an extra 45 minute commute with $5k less in base pay. Personally, I never respond to these god awful messages because as most people know, entry-level recruiters can’t see you if you don’t move or respond. Wait, maybe that’s a tyrannosaurus rex? Whatever. For those of you that feel obligated to reply to these headhunters, I am offering up an easy to use template you can feel free to leverage for any propositions moving forward. Just adjust some of the names and details and you are ready to go.

“(Insert Name Here),

I would like to start off by saying that I appreciate you taking the time out of your busy schedule to message me in regards to this “career opportunity” at (company name). I know how long it takes to copy and paste an ambiguous and generic message while also changing the name in the greeting accordingly, so kudos for that. I am glad that after viewing my profile you believe I would be a great fit at (company name). I am interested in hearing which aspect of my expert profile was the final selling point. Could it be my 313 connections? By “connections,” I mean either people I despise at my current company, my alcoholic friends from college pretending to be adults or complete strangers, like you, attempting to offer me SUPER exciting opportunities. Perhaps it was my endorsement for cold calling from Jeff, an unemployed, chronic masturbator who may or may not sleep on a futon, that pushed you to solicit my expertise? Whatever the reason may be, color me flattered. Unfortunately, I am going to have to decline your offer at this time. Don’t get me wrong, the idea of starting over at a similar company, in a similar industry, working with what I can only guess would be similar incompetence sounds enticing, but I would rather make my attempt at climbing the corporate ladder in a building where I am already moderately comfortable with the bathrooms.

Regards,

(Your name here)”

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TheOriginalReaganaut

Working in Chicago's Loop, living on the Northside and doing a piss poor impression of an adult.

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