It’s a shame when you find out that any cute girl has a boyfriend. It’s ten times worse when you find out the new girl in the office has one. The new girl brings potential into your life. She has potential like Tom Brady has touchdowns: quite a lot. She brings hope that maybe there is a chance you could get something going. She doesn’t know you. She doesn’t know your reputation. She doesn’t know you’re an absolutely gross human being who drinks too much on the weekends. The only things she knows is that you created Hawaiian Shirt Thursdays and Friday High Fives at work. No big deal, but it’s kind of a big deal. Many people say don’t dip your pen in the company ink, but if you have the opportunity, cannonball into that shit. You build her up in your mind as someone you can talk to, someone you can picture hanging out with, someone you can picture marrying, someone you can grow old with. You’ve only known her ten minutes, but you can see all these things in your head. You feel like you’ve just won the gold cup in Mario Kart. You even think you have a chance. But that was stupid. Why in the blue hell would you think you had a chance? You would have a better chance beating Grand Theft Auto without any cheat codes.
Like a grenade going off at your feet, she drops it on you. You can feel your legs fall out from underneath you and there is no medic around to help. It’s just you, her, and, God willing, a Bud Light to help ease the pain. You hear the dreaded “B” word and the game is over.
Last night at our work party, I got to talking to the new girl because I was about ten deep and the liquid courage was flowing inside me. We talked for a while and got to know each other. Then she said it. My vision started to get fuzzy. My knees started to get weak. I felt like I was playing Call of Duty and had just been hit with a flash grenade. I didn’t know what to do, so I just walked away right in the middle of the conversation. She was in the middle of telling me a story about her and her boyfriend and I just took off. I actually ran out of the bar. I looked like Will Ferrell in Old School running down the street yelling, and quite possibly sobbing. Not confirmed but confirmed.
Finding out devastating news is tough. Finding out news like this can break you down. This type of news is like finding out your pet fish died and your parents flushed him down the toilet. It’s a tough go, but you just need to power on. You need to accept the fact that the new girl in the office is off limits, and you need to always remember that there will always be another new girl. For now, I guess it’s back to hanging out with my old friend Jill..