You think you need to be an acrobatic sex god in order to master the beautiful art of tubthumping? Think again, friend, because shower sex is actually not as difficult as you’re making it out to be. Follow this foolproof guide to bathing in soapless suds and to make your lady or gentleman friend get knocked down only to get right back up again.
Prep Your Space For The Waterworks Show
Gals, if you’re anticipating inviting him into your most sacred space known as your personal bathroom, be sure to CLEAN UP THAT HELLHOLE. I know my bathroom right now has hairballs in the trash can, toothpaste spit in the sink, and lord knows what in the shower. Clear out the thousand empty conditioner bottles, replace your dandruff ‘poo with CVS’s finest top shelf shit, and make yourself look like a bathroom goddess. If you don’t already have one, get a loofah. Nothing says, “do me from behind, but watch where you’re sticking it,” like a fully blossomed loofah.
Before riding the slides of Water World, take some time to dust off the muscles you rarely use, because it is a scientific fact that you will use every single one of them to maximize your performance in such an architecturally inadequate space. (Seriously though, shower builders. Have you ever gotten laid?) I suggest stretching your hammies like you’re about to run a marathon, making your body as limber as possible. Think about yourself as a piece of uncooked spaghetti. Can you imagine two not flexible, uncooked pieces of spaghetti trying to get it on in the shower? No. Be the perfect al dente pasta, letting the warm shower water bring you fully cooked into the perfect Italian dish. This horrible metaphor brings me to my next point:
They say that every young, spritely, 20- or 30-something should be looking for any and every excuse to carbo load. Technically, studies say the best time to carbo load is 48 hours before extended athletic activity. Since shower sex is usually a “spur-of-the-moment” kind of thing, my professional opinion is to advise you to be ready at all times by carbo loading for three meals a day to avoid underperformance. You wouldn’t go over to a girl’s house without a condom, would you? No, friend. You also shouldn’t go over without the sufficient nutritional energy, either.
Find A Partner
This is essential to the bath bang because sex takes two, according to basic biology.
Be A Professional Gymnast
I know I said earlier that you don’t need to be an acrobatic sex god, but you should have a sufficient history in either gymnastics or, like, ballet. For the next 15 or so minutes, you’ll be jumping, hurdling, balancing, cartwheeling, and summersaulting your way around your tile-floored bathroom. There’s absolutely no way you can pull it off unless you’re a 13–I mean 16–year-old Chinese Olympian. But if you’re anything like I am, you are the furthest thing away from that. If that’s the case, may I suggest you…
Wear Non-Slip Shoes
This should go without having to say, because the bathtub is a slippery place. Do some research with your local high school’s referees; they usually know the hot spots for some bombass, non-slip shoes. I prefer blue Crocs for the nautical theme..