While the office bathroom is a fantastic place to assert workplace dominance, there’s no more terrifying sound while you’re sitting down to bust out a grumpy at work than hearing the door swing open, followed by the “KLAK-KLAK-KLAK” of your boss’ shoes hitting the linoleum. Then you hear the unbuckling of a belt, the loosening of trousers, and the low, satisfied grunt of a man who makes your life a living hell. If you’re a person with a boss of the opposite gender, congratulations–you’ll never have to experience this heart-stopping, instantly-graying, palpitation-causing fear. However, for those of us who are the same gender as our superiors, we’ll no doubt share the bathroom with them at some point. Despite the fact that everybody poops, or so I’ve read, if you’re busting out a particularly nasty grumpy and your boss realizes it was you, all the effort you’ve put in to prove that you’re a hard worker and all the ass-kissing you’ve done will be gone. They’ll be replaced by the echoes of the booming sounds and horrid smells coming from your bathroom stall instead.
Your back is against the wall, your entire professional career is flashing before your eyes, and each blast coming from your boss in the next stall over is a ticking time bomb of public humiliation. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to escape, unseen, before your boss finishes making mookie stinks. Here’s how to do it.
Step 1: The Courtesy Flush
Stop enjoying the smell of your own brand, you sick fuck, and get the stank out of the air. Give a courtesy flush to send the logs down Splash Mountain, but don’t do it immediately, or else you’ll catch your boss’s attention. Give it about 10 seconds before flushing.
Step 2: Finish Quickly
Remember how I once advised you to never push your dookies? Well, ignore that. Push like your life depends on it. This is no longer a leisurely crap. This marathon just became a sprint. You have to release the Kraken fast, because you have to be back at your desk before your boss even flushes, so he doesn’t realize it’s you who stunk up the bathroom. If you have to give yourself a hemorrhoid, do it. That’s a risk you gotta take.
Step 3: Don’t Waste Time With Hiding
This is a speed operation, not a long-term stealth mission. If you think that the best move is lifting your legs up to hide your shoes, all you’re doing is getting an ab workout while making your boss think he’s laying cable next to a ghost. He or she doesn’t notice or give a fuck about your shoes. And for the love of God, don’t spray. The stank damage is done, don’t fill the air with chemicals that’ll make your boss choke. That’s a waste of precious wiping time.
Step 4: Create A Diversion
Praise be to Jobs for the unholy glory of pocket computers. Send your boss an email (marked urgent) loaded with specific questions that only he or she can answer, and make it clear that this email is time sensitive. The more you ask, the more time you have to finish bombing Poo Harbor and get the hell out of there. The ping of a smartphone and an annoyed grumble means you’re pretty much home free.
Step 5: Run Like Hell And Deny ‘Til You Die
You voided your bowels faster than a zombie on coke and polished your brown starfish so it shines like the top of the Chrysler Building. Now it’s time to make a break for it and make a beeline for your desk. Should you wash your hands? Jury’s out on this one. Judge the situation to your own peril–you either lose a few seconds washing or risk your boss recognizing you AND having him or her think you don’t wash your hands after making Yobogoya. My advice? Run the water for a few seconds for plausible deniability, then run.
And most importantly, you must deny you were in there if asked. If your boss straight up gets in your face and asks, “DID YOU ORDER THE CODE BROWN?” you keep a stone face and say, “Sir, no sir! How could I, I just emailed you a few minutes ago! But I did see Grundman polish off a Quesarito with chips and guac a little while ago, I think that’s your guy.” Passing it off on a heavy-set coworker never fails.
If you follow these simple steps, you’ll be able to take the Browns to the Super Bowl like Johnny Football, without getting caught by your supervisor. Next time, start studying your boss’s bathroom habits and plan accordingly. Or just time your Baby Ruth baptisms when he or she is in meetings or on the phone, like a normal person.