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How To Make Enemies In The Workplace

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I would start this out by saying that I hate my job, but I feel like that’s kind of beating a dead horse. And truth be told, I actually love my job. I used to hate my job, so I feel the pain of you sorry SOBs currently reading this right now. Hating your job is the worst because it makes you hate your life. And that, my friends, is a real slippery slope of anti-depressants, cheap vodka, and one final lash out at Nana when she asks you how you’re doing over the dinner table on Christmas, before you start receiving worrisome “Hey, Champ! How ya doin? :-)” texts from your mom 17 times a day. It’s not good. Nothing about it is good, but you know that. You’re living it right now.

Rather than sit in your cubicle and hope that a ceiling tile falls on your balding head so that you can sue the shit out of your dead end job for workers comp, I’d recommend taking the high road. And by the high road, I mean that you should make everyone around you as miserable as you are. Isn’t that what The Golden Rule is? Make everyone feel as shitty as you do? I don’t know. I was frequently absent from kindergarten because I wasn’t too keen on sleeping on the floor during nap time. I’m sorry, a glorified carpet square in the shape of a Crayola crayon does not a bed make. Plus, my yoga instructor told me that anything other than a Tempurpedic was unacceptable. Just kidding. I don’t exercise.

In an effort to spread the proverbial Christmas cheer misery, here is a list of how to make enemies in the workplace.

  1. Refer to your coworker’s children as their pets.
  2. Put up a borderline pornographic calendar. Put things like “one night stand with Trish” and “free clinic appt.” on there.
  3. Call your mom 13 times a day and complain loudly about how much you hate everyone you work with.
  4. Suck up to your boss. Or just drop to your knees and read that last sentence with a little more imagination. Either way, everyone will hate you.
  5. Bring an escort to your office holiday party. Don’t be a prude; I mean the illegal kind of escort.
  6. Buy a pet bunny. Tell your coworkers all about this pet bunny. Purchase a rabbit’s foot from the dollar store and proclaim loudly, while stroking said rabbit’s foot, that you and Bunny Cottontail got in a fight last night. Glance around and then whisper to no one in particular, “I’ve said too much.” Go back to work as if nothing happened.
  7. Watch YouTube videos of Martial Arts and WWE at an obnoxiously loud volume.
  8. Write down “new coworkers” on your office’s White Elephant wish list.
  9. Ask your cubicle mate to cover for you due to a family emergency. Show up a week later with a nice tan and tell him that you and your parents had a swell time in Hawaii.
  10. Request time off for Ramadan, Hanukkah, Christmas, and Kwanza. When anyone questions it, say that you have an alienable right under the third amendment.
  11. Have phone sex in your cubicle…on speakerphone.
  12. Refer to Marg in HR as your “main bitch.”
  13. Drink five glasses of wine at lunch and take a nap in the conference room when you return.
  14. Offer to babysit. Then tell them that due to a public urination charge in college, you can’t take the kids to any parks.
  15. Have sex with an intern in the copy room. Don’t clean up.
  16. When your cubicle mate goes to the bathroom, change their “mom” contact to “hottie from the bar” in their phone.
  17. Take a nap in the bathroom. Bring a sleeping bag.
  18. Ask if anyone needs a hookup. Explain to them that you’ll get 10% off your next order if you give your drug dealer new clients.
  19. Sign your married coworkers up for random dating sites.
  20. Loudly scream, “No, I will not have sex with you, Sam!” after Sam asks you to pass a pen during a meeting.
  21. Tell your boss that you have a very dire and very serious health appointment. Go get a massage.

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Catie Warren

Catie struggles with adulthood and has been celebrating her 21st birthday for the past three years. She attended college in the nation’s capital and to this day is angry that Pit Bull lied to her, as you cannot, in fact, party on The White House lawn. Prior to her success with PGP, Catie was most famous for being featured in her hometown newspaper regarding her 5th grade Science Fair Project for which she did not place. In her spare time, she enjoys attributing famous historical quotes to Marilyn Monroe and getting in fights with thirteen year olds on twitter. Email: catie@grandex.co

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