Falalala-laaa, la la laa la.
You probably have your company’s Christmas party next week. In order to really end the year on a high note and make a lasting impression on your coworkers, here is a step-by-step roadmap of the ways you can make a lasting impression during the party. Follow the steps below to ensure your advancement towards upper management in 2017.
Upon walking in the door of the venue, immediately make a big deal about how there was no valet. Call the host “old sport” and toss your car keys to his at kneecap height. In the spirit of giving, make sure you slip him a one-spot and tell his loudly that, “The Benz just got a wax.”
If a waiter offers you a glass of champagne, make sure you confirm in front of everybody that it’s French before drinking. If they ask instead for your cocktail order, ask him what their most expensive in-house Scotch is. When the waiter tells you, order two of those. If you brought a date, tell the waiter “She’ll have a water.” You’ve got to make sure she stays hydrated at these things. You wouldn’t want her to embarrass you.
As you make your way around the room, make sure you congratulate everyone who looks pregnant on being pregnant. This is especially key if it’s to someone you don’t work with, like your coworker’s wife. Ask all your male coworkers to show you their cufflinks, even if they’re not wearing them. If you like someone’s tie, ask him if you can have it to keep. (People love it when you ask them if you can have things they’re currently wearing.)
If your date happens to be your girlfriend, make sure you introduce the hottest girl in your office to her as your “work girlfriend.” She’ll be so glad to hear you’re getting the attention she can’t give you at work from someone else.
If the party starts off slow, start asking around if anybody’s seen your old pal “Bud,” or where you can find “Bud.” Don’t forget to ask the line cooks in the kitchen. They usually always know where Bud is. If your office is doing a white elephant gift exchange and you forgot to bring something, never fear! Just go downstairs to the bar and order an entire bottle of vodka on the company tab. Voila – white elephant gift.
After the white elephant is finished, everyone will be nicely inebriated. Corner the Director of Finance and tell him that you’ve got a guy who works on Wall Street with some great “insider tips” on some stocks. When you get some quality one on one time with your boss, heavily insinuate that you’re getting job offers from competing companies. If he becomes offended, give him the cold shoulder and call him “Ebenezer” behind his back to everybody else at the party. Ask his wife when the last time they had sex was.
If your holiday party is anything like mine, the karaoke will get fired up at some point later in the evening. Really flex your musical knowledge by singing a charming rendition of Led Zeppelin‘s ‘Stairway to Heaven.’ Halfway through the eight-minute song, rip off your button down and throw it at the middle-aged married office secretary.
All of your coworkers will be impressed with how big your muscles have gotten from doing CrossFit. They’ll probably ask you for workout tips when you get off stage. Circumvent this by explaining your exercise regimen into the microphone so everybody can hear it at once.
By now the open bar is shutting down and your coworkers are beginning to disperse. Keep the party going by telling everybody you know of a “super exclusive” after-hours spot that’s just “a few blocks from here.” Make everybody walk through the snow for over a mile until they get to your apartment. Charge them cover to come in. Once they’re all in your apartment, send the new intern back out into the cold to get your car and some booze.
Before the night comes to a close, make sure to upload and tag every single photo you took on your phone that evening, so everybody is pleasantly surprised the next morning. After this holiday performance, your coworkers (and new best friends) will see you in a much better and brighter light. You’re on the fast track to a corner office and are 100 percent getting that big bonus this Christmas, so don’t hesitate to make some big purchases on that credit card of yours!
Thanks for reading and happy Christmas, Yoko. (Happy Christmas, John.) .
Image via YouTube