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How To Know When You Should Quit Drinking

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I like to spend a lot of my time looking for red flags. You never want to get to the end of something, whether it’s a relationship or just a night out, and realize after everything’s gone to shit that there were clear signs that bad things were in store. Your affair with booze is no different. At some point, if a few of these red flags start applying to you, maybe you should consider hanging it up.

  1. Your first emotion when you open your text messages in the morning is anxiety.
  2. The Domino’s guy who pulls the midnight to 2 a.m. shift brings you a birthday card.
  3. You get weekly packages from Amazon that you don’t remember ordering.
  4. The money you could get if you weren’t too lazy to turn in your cans could pay for your next vacation.
  5. You wake up to notes scribbled on envelopes next to your bed detailing movie ideas that make no sense.
  6. The last Snapchat you sent out was of you yelling at the cab driver to “play ‘Callin’ Baton Rouge,’ dammit!”
  7. Your friends actually think you have a problem. Yes, THOSE dumbasses.
  8. You’ve been helped into a cab by a homeless guy who was also drunk, because that’s how difficult it was for you to stand upright.
  9. The last Sunday you can remember was Easter, and that’s only because you were on antibiotics from the incident on St. Patrick’s Day.
  10. Even the Russians won’t invite you to their parties anymore.
  11. You have no money for anything other than rent, gas, food, and booze.
  12. You’ve used pickle juice as a mixer after running out of soda.
  13. You find a girl’s phone number written down on an Arby’s wrapper stuffed in your jeans.
  14. There are people who have completely stopped speaking to you, and you have no idea why.
  15. You don’t particularly like drugs, but you would still fail a drug test right now.
  16. Your memory consistently jumps from, “well, I was at the bar about to take a shot,” to waking up in your living room.
  17. You turn on your sound system only to shatter your eardrums–the volume is all the way up and Lionel Richie’s greatest hits are playing.
  18. You find large amounts of cash in your pocket and you can’t identify the source.
  19. You refuse to total up how much you’ve spent on alcohol in the last year, because you know that number will wreck your brain.
  20. You have a “Free Boosie” tattoo now, even though you have no idea who Boosie is.
  21. There are bags from four separate fast food places spread out across your floor. All from last night.
  22. You consistently spend more money on the jukebox than the average person does on a bar tab.
  23. You’re dead. From alcohol poisoning.

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Randall J. Knox

Randall J. Knox (known colloquially to his friends as "Knox") left his native Texas a few years ago, and moved to Los Angeles in his '03 Buick Regal named LeRoi to write movies with his jackass college buddies. His favorite things in life include bourbon that's above his pay grade, mix CDs, and Kevin Costner films. He isn't sure what "dad jeans" are exactly, but he knows he wants a pair.

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