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How To Handle A Girlfriend On The Warpath

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Ever since humanity crawled out of that primordial ooze and began to walk, talk, and build things on land, there has been strife between men and women. The second there was something to fight about, the first “friendly disagreement” between caveman and cavewoman was born. Things were so much simpler when we mostly just boned each another and saved talking for species with better defined vocal control and/or horrifying mating procedures that made arguing over things moot after a certain point.

Today, we struggle with this inevitable problem as well. If you have a girlfriend, wife, or fiancee, she will get mad at you. You could be an actual saint and it will still happen–I’m certain this is why priests take celibacy vows. What she will be angry about, no one knows. But it will be your fault. You may have been an asshole, or you may have been unwilling to commit to something. Hell, maybe you gave her the wrong compliment and she’s on her period. Whatever it is, you will be the target of righteous anger not seen since “Pulp Fiction.” Her hormones and our impressive inability to communicate in ways that don’t frustrate women are like napalm in a nitroglycerin and match factory. Shit is going up in flames.

The first step when your lady friend is on the warpath is much like the first step of being on fire: stop. Whatever you are thinking, don’t do it because it is exactly what she wants (and expects) you to do. You saw “Jurassic Park,” right? Much like genetically engineered velociraptors, women are much more clever than you are. They can also open doors as well, but that’s less of a problem here. They will lure you into a trap so well-set that even Admiral Ackbar won’t see it coming. Slow down and consider your next move. If you make the wrong one, it could be a while before you’re happily taken again. Building relationships in the postgrad world is like building pyramids: expensive, labor intensive, and seemingly impossible. You don’t want to do that again.

Next, listen. Talking in an argument with a woman is the best way to carry out a death wish. A wise man (my father) once said that the only way to win an argument with a woman is not to play. You know, like thermonuclear war in the 1980s. I never thought “WarGames” would give me advice on my love life.

Third: deny, deny, admit nothing, and walk away. Plausible deniability is your wingman here, Maverick. Don’t let him crash into the ocean, leaving you in the danger zone. If you’re caught redhanded, only tell the truth if it’s absolutely necessary. If you know you’re fucked, go with asking for forgiveness first, because explaining things will only make her angry. Women know how to hold a grudge, so unless you want to hear about that time you forgot to get milk for the next 30 years, just don’t put yourself in that position. Better to ask forgiveness than go back to sleeping alone.

Of course, if this all fails, you could resort to an open, honest, and heartfelt conversation with her like a responsible adult–one where you address her concerns and legitimately listen to her while conveying your own feelings in an adult manner.

Nah, that’s absolutely crazy. We’re men, we don’t do feelings and emotion.

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Dr. Kreiger

I'm a mad scientist working for a top secret spy organization. In love with a very special hologram.

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