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How To Get Elected To Public Office

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I run numerous side gigs, because I’m a man of many talents. By far, my favorite–and least successful–is managing campaigns for local city councilmen dudes. I charge a high rate, but I’ll impart some of the basic steps for election success for free. Why? Because I love America and local city councilmen dudes are unsung heroes. Go pay your respects the next time you’re in Town Hall. I think town halls are still a thing, but they might just all be websites now.

Step 1: Quit Your Job

It’s common knowledge that people vote for the candidate they’d rather sleep with because at the end of the day, one of you is going to stick a shovel in the pothole. What’s the sexiest trait voters look for? Dad body confidence. There’s no bigger power move in the politics game than quitting your job after throwing your name in for contention. It’s like Babe Ruth calling his shot. All you have to do now is hit a dinger.

Step 2: Smear Campaign

What are you even running for? Doesn’t matter. Figure out who your competition is and publicly defame him. Humiliate him to the point where he has to move three towns away and needs an Internet block on the year 2014 for his personal computers just so his kids won’t know someone accused him of running a Mexican prostitution ring funded by extortion money via the Nevada Gaming Commish. Don’t stop there. Take to the billboards, question his citizenship, and maybe challenge him to some arm-wrestling.

Step 3: Get Yourself Involved In A Sex Scandal

Statistically speaking, candidates who are involved in major sex scandals have a 93 percent greater chance of getting elected*. You can’t buy that free publicity. If it’s one of those prostitutes from that Mexican ring, you can pay up to $40 for the whole package. Booze and schmooze a local political cougar or take your chances on a state senator–the bigger the wig, the bigger the coverage. When we talk sex scandals, it’s always the bigger the better.

Step 4: Ghost Votes

As Americans, we are born with the inherent, God-given right to vote. I mean, we can’t for the first 18 years of our lives, but we still have the right. Why should that right be taken away when we die? Dead people are people, too. Fill out a ballot for everyone who died this year. Assume they’d vote for you, because why would they vote for that guy who’s rumored to run a Mexican prostitution ring? It’s so easy it should be illegal.

Step 5: Hire Me As Campaign Manager

I’ll even do it for four-fifths commish.

*Study was performed by Nard Dawg & Associates, margin of error: +-90 percent.

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