Once you move away from college (or move away from college, move back home, and then finally get your finances somewhat in order and find a mediocre job at an insurance company) and head into a new place, the weekend guests become an inevitable part of your life. Usually starting early March and going until you die, friends and acquaintances hit you up with the “we’re thinking of going to (insert your city here) for a visit” text.
It’s always the same situation. You stare at your phone while a soft little “fuuuuuck” escapes from your lips. You check your calendar, hoping that you have tickets to a show or a funeral to attend but, of course, that weekend is wide open. You send a quick text back expressing your fake enthusiasm and *this* is where things go bad.
They mention that they haven’t picked a place to stay yet and ask for suggestions. Which means, of course, that they want to stay with you. And since you’re not a miserable human (or even if you are), you offer to let them crash at your place. They accept and you want to die as a free weekend suddenly turns into an obligation. If you want to make sure that these folks don’t come back, but also don’t want to look like a total dick, here are a few ways to ensure that they book a room the next time ~wanderlust~ hits.
1. Have an air mattress that seems fine but deflates by morning.
Easy and absolutely manageable, odds are you don’t even need to do anything to make this happen. You’ve had the same shitty, $40 air mattress since you stole it from your parent’s house for a camping trip sophomore year. What was once a mediocre substitute to sleeping on the ground is now just a glorified tarp. Sure, when you inflate it and throw your worst pillows on it, it looks passable. But when your guests wake up at 3 a.m. with their asses on the ground, they’ll consider going somewhere with a bed next time. The best part? You haven’t used that thing since college, so they can’t even blame you for not knowing.
2. Don’t have a plan for the weekend.
One of the most annoying ways to spend a trip is to stare at your phone looking for something to do for the duration of the visit. You all half-heartedly throw out some ideas before settling on eating at a local chain and getting drunk at the shitty bar around the corner. By the time the visit is over, they’ll realize that going out to essentially the same bars they have back home and sleeping their hangover off on the floor isn’t exactly worth the money.
3. Don’t stock the fridge.
Rule number one for having guests over (besides cleaning and crying) is to stock the fridge and bar. You ask them what they like for breakfast and snacks, and you watch your hard-earned cash go down the drain as you buy Moscato for her, even though you’ve tried to tell her that no one drinks that shit after you lose your virginity and/or turn twenty. If you don’t stock up on cereal for him and fruit for her, they’ll be forced to go out every meal, therefore spending more of their money and less of yours. Sure, you’ll have to spend money too, assuming you go out with them. But wouldn’t you rather pay for yourself to get a fucking bagel than buying a weekend’s supply of food for these folks?
4. Or go on some sort of cleanse.
Even better than not stocking the fridge is going on some sort of diet. Sure, it’s an annoying excuse, but it’s one that works. Say it’s for a medical reason so they can’t even bitch about it. Slurp down some green juice in front of their faces (or just sneak out and get yourself an HBCB from Whataburger before they wake up), then when they emerge, insist that you already ate, but tell them a few great places they can check out. You’ll get an hour or so of solitude, and they’ll feel guilty talking shit about you as they wait an hour for some pancakes.
5. Adopt an annoying pet.
Hopefully, for your sake, you already have a pet. But if not, there’s no time like right before you have guests come into town. No one likes a dog jumping all over them the second they walk in or a cat that lays on their bags and gets hair everywhere. But when it all comes down to it, it’s your home and it’s your pet and there’s not much your guests can do about it. Warn them in advance and then scold your animal when it’s happening so you don’t look like a dick. Still, ole Midnight will have made quite the impression, and the next time they travel, they’ll book a non-pet friendly hotel.
6. Make sure your place has a weird smell.
Going hand-in-hand with getting a pet, make sure your apartment smells slightly off. Not bad, exactly. Just not good. Cook up some steak the night before company comes, or wait to take out the trash until the last minute. Have an animal that pees on the carpet? Good! You’re basically all set. Between the faint scent of urine and the obvious attempt to mask the smell with artificial cleaners and air fresheners, your apartment won’t give off the homey, clean scent most people prefer their dwellings to have.
7. Have somewhat loud sex.
I don’t mean dramatically loud and animalistic. I don’t even mean lots of moanings or mentioning of names. What I do mean, however, is loud enough that it’s *pretty* clear from the next room what’s going on in there. There should be thumping, the squeaking of springs, and the obvious bathroom visit after. If you don’t have anyone to have sex with (sad!), don’t worry. There’s still someone you can always rely on. Yourself. Sure, it might be weird. But no one, and I mean no one, wants to stay at someone’s house who masturbates on the other side of the wall. Best part? They’ll feel too weird to ever mention it. You get off and they’ll get going. Win-win.
No, it’s not the easiest. And some might say it’s not exactly moral. But when you only have 52 weekends in a year, each and every one is special. And let’s be real, despite what we learned in elementary school, each and every person is not. .
**I’m not actually saying murder people. Please don’t murder people. Unless that’s like, your thing and was your thing before I wrote this. Even if it is your thing, consider not murdering people. Or maybe less people? Try murdering less people. And definitely don’t murder them for asking to stay at your place. Sure, it’s rude as hell. But odds are something terrible is going to happen to them anyway. I mean, how happy can they really be if they’re begging a semi-friend to let them stay in their one-bedroom apartment because they don’t want to shell out $95 for an AAA room at a subpar hotel? Either way, I don’t want you to murder people and I also don’t want you to get caught.
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