It’s that wonderful nondenominational time of the year, betches. You guessed it, the all-inclusive holiday known simply as “the holidays.” Time to trade in that fall flannel for another flannel of deeper red tones and dust off that tacky Christmas sweater you say once belonged to your great grandma but really, you purchased it for $35 dollars on Amazon. Without further ado, here is your Post Grad Problems Fashion Look Book for these kinda-coldish-depending-on-where-you-live holiday months.
Per usual, all research has been conducted by searching “holiday fashion” on our beloved, holy, white girl mecca: Pinterest.
1. A Puffy Vest That Does Absolutely Nothing For Your Arms Except Proves You Are Actually Skinny Under All That Goose Down
The puffy vest is an art form because in no way, shape, or form is it a practical piece of clothing. Sure, maintaining a warm core temperature is important and all, but lest we forget that it is our limbs and extremities that are usually first effected by frostbite?
“Of course we forget that–our fingers are wrapped around our hot chai double tea Starbs, you stupid betch!”
Well, good. Work that vest and zip it up about three quarters of the way as to perfectly camouflage your peppermint patty muffin top. Let your tits breath in the low-cut V-neck sweater you strategically put on underneath, because they obviously don’t need warmth during these sub-artic months.
2. Knitted Tights
Knitted tights are fantastic for white girls in the winter, because they allow you to rock a dress that’s a little too short to work and not get called a slut behind office doors. In all honesty, you probably would have worn the dress with no tights even in December. I mean, it makes your legs look so skinny. The beauty of knitted tights is that they trick people into thinking you are dressing warmly for winter, when in reality, you are still freezing your tiny little chicken legs off as you online shop for a space heater.
3. Tacky Christmas Sweaters
Tacky Christmas sweaters are a MUST HAVE for the months of December and January. Nobody seems to get the memo that Christmas is actually in December and you are guaranteed to get invites to these kinds of fucking parties way into January. The best way to get an authentic sweater is to ask Grandma if you can borrow one, and when she looks you straight in the eye and says, “Why in sweet baby Jesus’s name would you think I’d own a sweater with reindeer on it?” do what I said to do earlier and turn to Amazon. You can get something great for less than $50 that looks like it was straight out of a donated bag of Goodwill garbage clothing. Throw in another $10 and I bet you can get that authentic “Goodwill smell,” too.
4. Slutty Tacky Christmas Sweaters
So, reindeer and Santa Claus and snowflakes and jingle bells don’t quite cut it anymore. You’re an adult if you wear one of those. Try a slutty tacky Christmas sweater this year instead and make your mother proud by putting the “ho” in “ho ho ho” this winter. Make sure to get these sweaters in a size larger than you wear so they hit right below that part of your thigh where they begin to touch, making you look like an extra skinny betch.
5. In Addition To Wrapping Presents, Use Bows To Accessorize Your Outfit
Nothing says you’re a festive white girl quite like an adorable little holiday bow. These are great for the wintertime because you can literally buy 100 of them for less than $10. You have to be careful, though, because a little goes a long way. Use every ounce of self-control to not be overzealous with the holiday bows; pick and choose only one or two places to accessorize.
6. Actually, Fuck It
Put them all over your damn finely toned body. They’ll be sure to bring out the white undertones in your extremely white skin as you prance around the room to “OMG I LOVE THIS CHRISTMAS SONG!”.
Images via Pinterest