Now that we’ve properly gotten dressed in our big girl pants (read: black leggings) for fall, I’ve decided that women of the world need yet another column about what they already know. In this segment of “How To Dress Like A White Girl,” I describe what white women nationwide put on for a 7 a.m. workout, only to realize that sleeping another hour is probably the healthier option.
*Thorough research has been done by searching “gym fashion” on Pinterest.
1. Start fresh with a makeup routine that doesn’t look like you’re a tryhard who wears makeup to the gym.
This first step is crucial, because without the not-wearing-makeup makeup, you’ll look like that chick who drinks Muscle Milk before going to softball practice. Above is a really great 13-step tutorial on how to make your lips look practically the same as they did before in 30 minutes flat. I’m not really sure why you need to brush your lips, or even what the fuck is going on in step 9, but if Pinterest says to do something, you do it. Proceed to put on nude eye shadow and a thick line of eyeliner so it can eventually sweat down your cheeks, letting everyone know that you work out. Extra blush is essential, because those rosy cheeks won’t get that color from walking on the treadmill for half a mile!
2. Find the perfect sneakers.
You should start with sneakers, because it’s much easier to match your athletic looking shirt with sneaks than the reverse. Consider the type of training you want to do when purchasing your trainers, then completely throw that consideration out the window and buy whatever looks cutest. I really like the ones pictured, because they will probably make my legs look really tan as I sit on the leg press creating the most perfect playlist on my iPod. The Tiffany blue screams, “I’m affluent enough to afford a gym membership AND expensive jewelry.”
3. Find a sports bra in the same color as your sneakers.
Can’t tell you the logic behind matching these, because LOL will you be going to the gym in just a sports bra. But you know what they say: “Matching sneakers and bras are just like Xanax–they help white girls sleep at night.” If you are, in fact, in good enough shape to go to the gym with a bare abdomen, call me and we’ll play a round of “Freaky Friday,” because I want your body.
4. Find a workout shirt that’s really overpriced, but still motivational.
Like I said earlier, the goal is to also match these to your probably neon shoes to get the complete look. If all else fails, mix and match neons and blacks, because you’re an intense athlete who #RunsLikeAGirl. If your workout shirt is cheaper than $30, you’re probably not an athlete and everyone at the gym will definitely laugh at you. The key here is to dress like you’re in an Under Armour ad because Under Armour models work out. Using the transitive property, you’re a worker-outter, too. Also, the cheesier the screen-printed phrased on the front is (i.e, “Kick My Sass,” “Can’t Stop Wont Stop,” anything with a hashtag) the better. It will help you more easily transition into the next phase of getting dressed for your workout.
5. Ditch said overpriced yet motivational workout shirt.
After purchasing a dozen or so of those “Eat, Sleep, Workout” sweat-nicking shirts and taking the tags off of them in an endorphin-fed pre-workout trance, realize that they are actually really dumb and proceed to put on an old shack shirt you earned in college. If you’re feeling confident about your arms, throw on an oversized tank from Homecoming 2008. Sure, cotton won’t help sweat evaporate from your body at the same rate as all that other junk. Sure, cotton will help raise your core body temperature more rapidly. BUT, cotton will also come in size L and not show off your midsection jiggles on the elliptical. It’s the exact same concept as wearing an oversized sweater for fall, you see.
NORTS, NORTS, NORTS. Wear those Nike shorts and a baggy T-shirt with pride, you casual white girl, you. I don’t know what it is about them, but they are cut in the most perfect way to show up your semi-toned quads, while hiding the thigh gap you will never have. If you’re in really good shape, I guess you could ditch the Norts and wear cute spandex, but every other girl at the gym will inevitably hate you and take extra long on the machines they know you want.
7. Get some Starbs.*
This has nothing to do with going to the gym, but you’re a white girl, so I assume you’re going to get it anyway.
*If you happened to have majored in dietetics or kinesiology or know anything about nutrition, you’ll probably skip this step and shame others for not doing the same. Watch out for the collective middle finger from the marketing girls out in the parking lot..