The last thing any lady wants to do when her alarm goes off after eight snoozes is look alive, awake, and enthusiastic in a put together business-casual-but-I-didn’t-even-try-that-hard outfit for a long day at work. As a young professional, you’re almost expected to outdo the old farts in the office because, let’s be honest, you’re younger, thinner, and less wrinkly. Talk about ageism at its finest.
6:15: First alarm. Fuck you. Bring Channing back into my dreams.
6:30: Second alarm. God damn it, how did I fall back into a deep sleep in 15 minutes?
6:45: Third and final alarm. I’m pissed because I spent the last fifteen minutes checking Twitter instead of maximizing my beauty rest. Oh well, better snooze.
6:53: Snooze 1 goes off. Ehhh…I can squeeze in another 8.
7:01: Snooze 2 goes off. You have 14 minutes to get your life together you worthless piece of shit.
7:04: Finally convince yourself that work is good and earning money is good, too. “I should put pants on…” you say to your pet turtle.
For most people, cue business casual panic attack. But not you anymore, friend! Follow these Nobel Prize winning ideas and avoid the nervous sweats as you get ready for work in less than 15 minutes.
Always have a pair of clean black pants ready. Oh they’re covered in the tequila you spilled on yourself at happy hour yesterday when you thought body shots before appetizers was a good thing? Forget what I said earlier; they don’t even need to be clean. That’s the beauty of black pants: no one can tell. And because they are such a basic item in your wardrobe, no one will even notice it if you wear them two, three, or 11 days in a row. Just switch the top, and you’re good to go.
Speaking of tops, when you’re shopping in J. Crew and find a button down shirt that fits you right, buy that shit in every color. You want your coworkers to be tasting the rainbow of Skittles that is your wardrobe. People won’t think about the fact that it’s the same shirt, different color because they are too focused on how they look. They’ll just think it’s your “style.” Congrats, you’ve tricked those suckers in tailored pant suits into thinking you’re trendy.
Scarves. Buy ’em by the barrel. Mix and match them with your different colored shirt and poof you’ve made a completely new outfit every day. Maybe throw in a different statement necklace if you’re really feeling like putting in an extra 30 seconds of work this morning. You are unstoppable.
You need six pairs of shoes: a boot, a flat, and a heel. One of each in black and one of each in brown, simple as that. If you accidentally wear one black and one brown, just go with it because again, everyone else is too focused on their own personal appearance to give two shits about yours.
Rock your make up from the night before. Supervisor’s love the hungover and raccoon eyes look. HR likes it even more.
Throw on some deodorant if you’re in the mood. If not, a spritz of perfume should have you covered until lunch. If it doesn’t? Well, consider that payback for Mr. Hasn’t Showered Since ‘Nam in the cube next door.
Throw a microwavable lunch in a basic brown or black Longchamp of your choice and move on with your day. The skyrocketed sodium levels in those Lean Cuisines help balance out those close-up corn stalk looking things that shampoo commercials love to show, making your hair bouncy and beautiful all day long. Or so I’ve heard.
7:15: You’re out the door. You didn’t have time to brush your teeth, but that’s okay, a quick pull or six from the Rumplemintz under your desk is much more affective, anyways.