The American male is hurting. Unlike the men of the Greatest Generation and the Baby Boomers, we live in an America of veggie burgers, tofurky, male manicures, shaved chests, and the healthcare.gov pajama guy. There are children’s sports leagues that don’t keep score, slim fit suits, skinny ties, skinny jeans, scooters, and Smart cars. Even rappers have gone soft–I’m looking at you, Drake. What happened to the Old Hickorys, John D. Rockefellers, Teddy Roosevelts, Ernest Hemingways, James Deans, John Waynes, and Clint Eastwoods? The strong, male role models who defined their generations? They’re disappearing, slowly but surely. It’s a new world, but I’ll be damned if I’m going to let America’s masculinity continue to erode away the way it has. You can still be a man’s man in today’s America, and here’s how.
Real men eat meat. It’s a natural law, like gravity. We weren’t put at the top of the food chain to graze on foliage. When I say meat, I mean real meat: beef, pork, boar, venison, bison. None of this “using turkey as a meat substitute” crap, like turkey bacon and turkey burgers, or worse–vegetarian options. Vegetarian alternatives are the most blasphemous form of filth in the food world. Veggie burgers? Vegetarian bacon? Tofu turkey alternatives? Get the fuck out of here. Pack me full of cholesterol and meaty goodness. Have you ever had a deer burger? Buffalo chili? A corn-fed, well-marbled ribeye? That’s what a real man eats. I always keep at least a pound of ground round in my refrigerator, just in case of a culinary emergency.
Dark liquor, beer, and margaritas. Those are the three acceptable drink groups for a man. Like Ron Swanson said, clear liquor is for rich women on diets. Still, the three acceptable drink groups for men give you a surprising variety of choices, believe it or not. There are a number of classic cocktails that use dark liquor, such as the Old Fashioned or the Manhattan, or you can just drink it straight. There is more good beer out there than you can drink in a lifetime, but avoid the sweet, fruity beers like Sweetwater Blue. Beer is supposed to taste like beer, not blueberries. Finally, the occasional margarita is acceptable, especially at a Mexican restaurant, at the pool, or at the beach. Keep it simple: lime juice, tequila, Cointreau, ice, kosher salt. None of that syrupy, sweet mix crap.
You don’t necessarily need to be a rabid sports fan to be a man’s man in today’s America. I mean, look at the president. He is supposedly a rabid basketball fan. Supposedly. The reason a real man loves sports–whether it’s playing them, betting on them, or watching them–is for the thrill of competition. There’s nothing quite like watching the hopes and dreams of a team other than your own get completely crushed on the field of battle. If you’re not up for the competition, maybe you should go occupy Wall Street.
Every red-blooded American male should love guns. It’s in the Constitution. Throughout history, real men have used the weapons of their time to defend themselves, hunt for food, and, if necessary, go to war with tyrants. Boys from a young age were trained to be swordsmen, archers, and spear wielders. Hell, David killed Goliath with a rock and a sling. It’s your right as an American and your duty as a man to legally arm yourself, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.
It drives the economy and gives real men the opportunity to acquire power and wealth. Capitalism is basically the sport of business. You compete to win, and if you can’t compete, you vote liberal. It’s as simple as that. America.