If you’re anything like me, the last thing you want to pick up at the grocery store is a man. When I finally find it in myself to go to the hellhole that is the grocery store, I’m starving. Like, no. Really. I’ve literally eaten everything in my apartment, right down to the bottom of that emergency jar of Nutella. I want food and that’s what I came here for, but then strangers try to interact with me. Not just any strangers, but those of the male variety. You want to talk about how crisp the lettuce looks, and I want to run you over with my shopping cart because you’re in my way. Sounds like you’re going to need the complete guide to
never finding your future husband avoid being awkwardly hit on at the grocery store.
- The first and most obvious way to throw a man off your trail is by going straight to the tampon aisle. But, for the persistent male, you may have to be a little more elaborate with it. Grab some Summer’s Eve, Imodium AD, or “call” to see if the prescription for your anti-depressant is ready. If you’re really desperate, ask the pharmacist if he or she knows of any good over-the-counter meds for your flare-up.
- Go to the grocery store upon waking up from a night out. Wear completely color-coordinated sweats (i.e., grey hoodie with grey sweat pants) and Uggs. Don’t bother looking in a mirror before you leave.
- If you can’t help but look nice, try borrowing someone’s kid. In case of an emergency, or you weren’t deemed responsible enough to bring one of your own choosing, “borrow” one who’s already in a cart. Just try not to go very far away from, you know, the actual parents. This one’s risky, because I’m pretty sure “borrowing” babies without permission is illegal.
- Call up one of your friends and talk about how you’re still in love with your ex-boyfriend and make plans to get him back–even though that bitch Whitney married him already.
- Talk about yourself in the third person the entire time.
- When a man comes over to talk to you, look at him with fear in your eyes and yell, “Mommmm!” Run away. Or, better yet, watch him run away. You didn’t come here for exercise.
- Stand in front of the Valentine’s Day candy and demand to know where the Heath Bar Crunch is. This is also effective every other time of the year, although in that scenario you plant yourself on the ground and protest for the giant bags of Heath Bar Crunch. Bonus points if he finds you a bag of Heath Bar Crunch only for you to detest it. Everyone knows you love Sour Patch Kids. EVERYONE!
- Buy nothing but single servings of DiGiorno.
- Look at him and begin to sob uncontrollably because he reminds you so much of your ex-boyfriend it hurts. Try to convince him that it physically pains you to look at him.
- Walk around the supermarket and scream this sequence: “I hate Xbox. I hate Playstation. I hate sex. I hate happiness.”
- Call and make an appointment with your gynecologist. Schedule a pap smear.
- Begin to sneeze violently and say, “It must be your cologne.”
- Pretend you don’t speak English.
- And, my personal favorite, saved as a last resort: place your hand on his shoulder, stare deep into his eyes, and fart. Then just walk away and continue about your shopping.