Oh my God! You’re getting married? That’s, like, so unexpected. Between the passive aggressive tweets and the not-so-subtle Facebook statuses and the “if you don’t propose to me in the next four months, we are over” chat you not so quietly had in the middle of your company’s Christmas party, this comes as a SHOCK. A shock, I tell you. But, you know what? Good for you. What’s that saying, again? The key to a happy marriage is to start it off with a super threatening ultimatum? Yes, that’s the one.
Now that you’ve finally got the ring safely secured on your slightly chubby (it’s okay, you’re allowed to get fat — he can’t leave you now) finger, it’s time to share the happy news with the world. Look out social media, there’s a new soon-to-be married bitch in town.
Step one: The Facebook Announcement
This needs to go up within 1-3 minutes of him getting down on one knee or no one will really give a shit. By the time you’ve called your mom and she’s called your neighbors and they’ve called your former high school besties turned shitty mommy bloggers, it’s over. No one cares. It’s not news anymore. No, in order for this to be effective, you need to post about your engagement IMMEDIATELY.
Status updates include:
“After four LONG years of dating, I am so pleased (and not at all annoyed or pissed off that it took so f^#!ing long) to announce that I officially get to marry my best friend!”
“Ever since I was a little girl, I have been just waiting and praying for my prince. Well, y’all, GOD is good and HE listens and HE saves and HE just works in such magical and mysterious ways and I am so beyond blessed to announce that JESUS brought to me my best friend, my prince, and now my future HUSBAND. Start saving those mason jars for me, y’all! I’ve got a WEDDING to plan!”
“Well, ladies, if you push him hard enough, he’ll eventually give in and ask! LOL. Kidding! But really…IM GETTING MARRIED!”
Step two: The Instagram Post
Now that Facebook is out of the way and all of your former middle school classmates and the old people in your life know that you’ll be spending the next 5-7 years married, it’s time to move on over to Instagram and inform your real life friends that, while you don’t like them enough to personally call or text, your left hand is now sporting something semi-shiny (so long as you don’t look at it with a loupe). The post should include a closeup shot of your hand that makes your ring look 2-3x bigger than it really is. When your fiancé inevitably bitches about the fact that “shouldn’t the picture be of us and not of your ring?” simply remind him that this is your day. His days of calling the shots are now 100% over.
“He put a ring on it!”
“IM GETTING MARRIED AND YOURE NOT”
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. Also, we’re already registered at Bed Bath and Beyond and Pottery Barn!”
Step three: The Paper Announcement
“Does this empire waisted dress do a decent enough job of hiding my baby bump? Focus on the cowboy boots. For the love of God, focus on the cowboy boots…and also the barn in the background.”
“Look at the ring. No seriously, look at the fucking ring. Here it is next to a flower. Here it is next to a mason jar. And, finally, here it is on some random page of the Bible my parents gave me twenty years ago. Coincidentally, it hasn’t been opened since then. Anyway, did you see the ring? Look at the ring.”
“We’re, like, a fun couple. This is me reading bridal magazines while my fiancé looks sad in the background. This is me holding up his credit cards with an evil grin while he’s crying in the background. Oh, and this is me screaming on the phone at my wedding planner while he looks like he wants to kill himself in the background. LOL. Aren’t we so funny? And didn’t I do a great job of making this 100% about me?”.