Eating terrible, artery clogging food when I’m drunk is a habit I’ve tried to curb since graduating college. Everyone loves drunk food. Whether it’s some queso, a cheeseburger, or an errant piece of beef jerky you found on the ground outside the bar – when someone is drunk, they’re hungry. I’m not overweight by any means, but as I’ve aged, heartburn has crept into my life and I avoid that shit at all costs. When I’m attempting to woo a girl back to my apartment for, how shall I put this, vaginal intercourse? Well, the last thing on my mind is food. But girls and boys alike get hungry. And everyone who knows anything knows that people don’t exactly feel 100% if they hit up that pizza spot that sells slices for a dollar. This goes doubly for anyone whose been pounding light beers and mixed drinks all night.
Scenario: Imagine for a moment you’re at a bar with the squad on a Friday night turning up. Flo Rida’s “My House” echoes throughout the bar, and a nice little filly down the way starts making eyes at you. You saunter over, lay down some halfway decent game, and before you know it you’ve got your tongue so far down her throat you’re nearly licking vital organs. You know where this is headed. You’ll ask if she wants to come back with you and she’ll shrug her shoulders, coyly whispering “yeah, sure” into your ear.
Time to head back to the crib, right? Yeah, maybe. But if that chick you’ve been necking with for an hour is hungry, you better believe she’s going to make the Uber driver stop at a drive-thru on the way home. Maybe you guys are walking back. In that case, I’m guessing you’re either getting something from a shitty food truck or you’re grabbing a slice of dollar pizza. Do you know what all of these foods have in common? They’re all cock blocks. If the girl you bring home eats too much, she’ll still come back to your place. But she’s not going to want to have sex. She’s going to want to go to sleep because she feels bloated. The conversation will go something like this:
You: *grunting* *mumbling* *kissing her neck* *feeling her up*
Her: Uggggh I feel gross right now.
You: You look great what are you talking about?
Her: Nooooo, let’s just go to sleep. We can do it in the morning.
This exact situation happened to me a few weeks ago. I was at a really seedy bar and I left with a girl right as the bar was closing at 2:00 a.m. We stumbled out of the bar, and I thought I was in the clear as I saw that my Uber was going to be in front of us in less than three minutes. We never got in that Uber. A pizza place across the street from us beckoned this girl like a moth to flame. Of all the things she could have ordered she chose to get two milkshakes. And guess what? With the simple phrase “two peanut butter and Snickers milkshakes, please.” I went from getting my world rocked to a milk-induced coma. We housed the shakes in my bed in under twenty minutes. Probably a land speed record. I didn’t get laid that night because she naturally felt gross (as did I) after consuming twenty ounces of malted milk, peanut butter, and chopped up bits of Snickers.
And look, I get it. I’m sure grinding on top of some guy when you feel too full doesn’t seem very sexy. But just know that I could care less. I got the classic “let’s just do it in the morning” which, in retrospect, was fine because it did eventually happen in the morning. But what I want to know is where is the tipping point? Is there any amount of food I can get with a girl after the bar where she won’t feel so bloated that sex gets thrown off the table? Do I need to start instituting a no food after the bar rule when I’m drunkenly walking home with a chick? Do I go quietly into the night and resign myself to the fact that drunk food will always railroad a path to Poundtown? There has to be a happy medium. A place where I can not only alleviate drunken hunger with a lady friend, but also not be so full that the thought of having sex makes her want to vomit. .