Meeting the father of your significant other is one of the most nerve-racking experiences in your life. You look at him as the imposing, authoritative figure who’s going to protective of his little girl. He looks at you like a woman-hungry scumbag who’s violating the purity of what he raised. The uncomfortable nature of your relationship exists until a bond is formed over common interests and you can finally have a relationship rather than a grudge.
Saturday Night Live actor and comedian Pete Davidson won the lottery when he started dating Cazzie David, Larry David’s daughter. Nevermind the fact that Larry David is sitting on a small fortune that would make Town & Country’s readership jealous. If he marries Larry David’s daughter, he gets to inherit Larry David as his father-in-law. The golf-loving, Curb-writing, Seinfeld-profiting Larry friggin’ David.
And on the surface, you’d think Jared Kushner did the same when he married Ivanka Trump. He didn’t marry First Daughter Ivanka Trump. He married Daughter Of The Real Estate Mogul Who Owns Hella Golf Courses Donald Trump. He married the daughter of a guy who had a $3.4 billion net worth, hosted his own television show, owned 17 golf courses, and appeared to be in poor enough health that his wife’s inheritance was going to come in way sooner than later.
I mean, look at the life Jared Kushner was living before his father-in-law became president.
But politics aside, being Jared Kushner looks awesome. pic.twitter.com/qkJ9KIAAnB
— 🌊 (@WilldeFries) January 20, 2017
Jet skis. Seersucker swim trunks. Expensive shades. Yachts. Day beds on yachts. Texting from day beds on yachts. Seafood buffets. Champagne buckets. Massages. $100 facial creams. Robes. I bet he hasn’t showered off with a dirty towel in his entire life. Isn’t that the literal dream? The dream isn’t hosting a show on NBC and having to deal with a real estate empire. The dream is being the son-in-law of a dude who has a show on NBC and has to deal with a real estate empire. He got to inherit his father-in-law’s wealth without ever having to inherit his father-in-law’s shitty genes. He got to reap the benefits of being a mogul without having to do essentially any work.
“I mean, I’m just going to have my dad get me into Harvard and then travel for a while before going to law school in NYC because all my buddies live there,” Kush probably thought to himself before the shit hit the fan. All of the sudden, he got in too deep. He went from the dude hooking up casually with Trump’s daughter to being the poster boy for Insufferable WASPs everywhere. It’s worse than if Prince William died and all of a sudden Harry had to go from being a man about town to being The King of England.
You didn’t know who Jared Kushner was before his father-in-law became The President of the United States. You can say you did but if you were shown a picture of him, you’d think he was just some trust fund kid who spent more time sailing than he spent grinding away in a Wall Street office owned by his father. And Jared Kushner probably wanted to keep it that way. You think he wanted to be The President’s most trusted advisor at 36? No, he wanted to summer in the Hamptons drinking rosé while checking daily emails from his stock broker to make sure he wasn’t poor.
And can you blame him? No, you can’t. Because whether you’d like to admit it or not, you’d like to marry a billionaire’s daughter and turn your entire life into a permanent vacation where you have nothing to worry about other than where to get ice when you run out at the beach house. Yeah, okay, sure – I know he was principal owner of Kushner Companies and of Observer Media. Yeah, okay, buddy. Without doing any research about his role at all because it’s all going to be fluff I don’t believe anyway, I’m going to correctly assume that he was more “board member” than “CEO” because CEOs not named Richard Branson don’t jetski with shit-eating grins on their faces.
Now? This dude’s in the literal swamp. New York Magazine claims that he shows “unwavering loyalty” to his father-in-law, because fucking duh, his father-in-law is the most powerful man in the world. Politics aside, does he really have any choice? You’re already a slave to your father-in-law as it is, but when he’s the POTUS holding onto the fortune you’re undoubtedly going to live off of for the rest of your life? Uh, yeah, you show unwavering fucking loyalty.
Despite that aforementioned $3.4 billion inheritance that he’d be sure to get a cut of, there’s no doubt that Jared “The Kush” Kushner lost the father-in-law lottery worse than anyone in the history of the world. .
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