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How A Racist Orgy With Thai Hookers Resulted In The Greatest Cinderella Story Ever

We all have our favorite underdogs that overachieved. The Amazing Mets, Indiana’s Hoosiers, Air Bud. But just yesterday, small town Leicester City won the English Premier League (soccer) for the first time in its 132 year history.

If that weren’t a big enough deal, the entire historic run was set off by a racist getting a rim job from a Thai prostitute. I’m not making that up.

First, a little backstory. For the past few decades, the English Premier League has seen a massive influx of cash. Saudi Princes (Manchester City), Russian oil barons (Chelsea) and even Americans like the Glazer family (Manchester United, Tampa Bay Buccaneers) and New England Sports Group (Liverpool, Boston Red Sox) have recognized this opportunity and begun buying up any big name player they can. This has led to severe inequality in the sport; only four teams have won the league title in the past 20 years.

And it’s left smaller teams like Leicester City scrambling.

Leicester City is tiny. Their main rivals are Nottingham Forest (again, not making that up). They have also had so much trouble that two years ago they weren’t even in the Premier League. British soccer has several different tiers of teams, and if you finish in the bottom three of your tier, you get dropped down to the league below – top three finishers get promoted to the league above. Two years ago, Leicester City was in the second tier. They finished first and were promoted. Last year, they were struggling so badly that they needed to win 7 of their last 9 games to avoid being dropped back down again – hardly a championship contender (they finished 14th out of 20).

Their team is also a hodgepodge. Being as they are so small with limited resources, one player on Manchester City costs more than their entire roster. Their player of the year, Riyad Mahrez, was an unknown second division French player who reportedly thought that Leicester City was a rugby team. Their top goal scorer is named Jamie Vardy. In 2007, Vardy was playing for a SEVENTH DIVISION TEAM, where he made £30 per weekend and worked in a factory during the week. Like fucking Rudy, or B Rabbit from 8 Mile.

In addition to struggling and having no significant players, their coach, Nigel Pearson, was a major asshat last year. He called a reporter an “ostrich” (an insult, I guess?) and then even had the gall to choke out an opposing player during a game. You know, something that’s definitely going to be on TV. He also shouted something at some fans in a game against Liverpool, which resulted in a fine and being banned from the sideline for the following week.

Which leads me to the rim job.

A few weeks before the season started, several of the younger players made a goodwill tour through Thailand. During this trip, a tape was released of several of the players – including James Pearson, the coach’s son – having an orgy with several Thai prostitutes. In this tape, James Pearson starts shouting racial epithets at one of the prostitutes while she’s rimming him, because apparently paying someone to put their tongue in your asshole isn’t insulting enough. As a result, all of the players involved and the coach were fired.

The new coach they brought in, Claudio Ranieri, made some changes in order to maximize their strengths. They hang back a lot on defense, and sometimes turn the ball over on purpose, waiting for opponents to make a mistake. This has led to two things: players not getting hurt and a whole bunch of counterattacking (Vardy is fast and great one-on-one. In a steadily built up attack he kind of disappears).

At the beginning of the season, bookmakers gave Leicester City a 5,000 to 1 chance at winning the league. To put that in perspective, Buster Douglass was 47-to-1 when he beat Mike Tyson, and British Politician Jeremy Corbyn currently sits at 1,000-to-1 to play the next James Bond. But with all the scrappiness and heart of your favorite cheesedick sports movie, Leicester City prevailed. So all hail LCFC, 2016 Premier League Champions!

Image via YouTube

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Icehouse

International sailing champion and friend to most wolves. Except Larry, he knows what he did.

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