So you want to fill out an NCAA bracket this year, but you don’t know anything about college basketball, huh? Maybe it’s because your office is running a pool and everyone who participates gets to watch basketball and eat ice cream sundaes Thursday afternoon at work. Or maybe it’s because all your boyfriend and his moronic friends are talking about is March Madness and if you aren’t involved somehow, you won’t see him until April 7th. Whatever the reason, here are some ways you can fill out your bracket even if you don’t know a foul from a three pointer.
Make Decisions Based on Player Hotness. Last week, I ranked the Top 25 Teams in College Basketball by Player Hotness over at TSM. So if you don’t know anything about basketball, start there. Picking teams by player hotness is how I won my office football pool this year, so don’t try and tell me attractiveness doesn’t play into it. Hot equals more confident which equals playing better which equals winning. That’s obviously why Tom Brady and Rob Gronkowski have Super Bowl rings.
Select By School Mascots. Any team that has a dog as a mascot is an automatic pick for me, because puppies are awesome. So go Northeastern Huskies, Gonzaga Bulldogs, and Wofford Terriers. Ugly or scary animal mascots need not apply. I’m personally terrified of birds, so sorry Kansas Jayhawks and Louisville Cardinals, but there’s no room on my bracket for you. I’ll make an exception for the Oregon Ducks, because ducks are super cute. As for teams that I don’t know what the mascot is? Out. I mean, what the hell is a Boilermaker, Purdue? Same for you, Maryland Terrapins and Coastal Carolina Chanticleers.
Or By School Colors. If fashion is more your thing than animals, you can apply the same method by choosing teams according to school colors. Only teams with attractive color combos get a place in my bracket. North Carolina blue is cute; that hideous yellow at Iowa is not. Double strike for North Dakota – yellow and green as your colors, plus a Bison as your mascot? Are you people blind?
Play Up The School Pride. If a school you went to is in the tournament, of course you are going to pick them to win it all. It doesn’t matter that everyone is wondering how they even made it into the tournament – you have allegiance to your alma mater, damn it. Anyone that knocks their school out in the first round is a traitor, and you are as loyal as they come.
Pick By Party Rep. Last year, Rob Fox did an entire March Madness bracket based strictly on which schools he wanted to rage at. Not a bad method if you don’t have any clue about basketball, but you do have an avid interest in slapping the bag. You can use Rob’s column for reference or The Princeton Review Party School list. Oh, and by the way Mr. Fox, I went to Gonzaga and I assure you, we are not “the Catholic BYU.” And I don’t see your beloved Missouri Tigers in the bracket at all? 9-23 doesn’t get you very far.
Rely On Your Personal Relationships. You made out with a hot guy from Arizona at PCB on Spring Break your senior year? Wildcats in. That fucking bitch from accounting who keeps questioning your expense reports went to Duke and tells everyone about it every chance she gets? Blue Devils out.
Use AutoFill. Even this minimal amount of effort is too much? Use the autofill option. Because the lazy choice is always the disinterested girl choice..