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“House of Cards” Is Terrible And So Are Its Fans

HOUSE OF CARDS

I don’t watch “House of Cards”. I’ve never even seen an episode. I have absolutely no idea what it’s about. Couldn’t even tell you what channel it’s on, or what night of the week it runs. Fight me, Internet.

It’s not like I would have to even turn on my television in order to get the general gist of what’s going on, anyway. You chatty Cathys on social media have that covered, don’t you? Every other tweet is “House of Cards” this, Frank Underwood that. Stop it. Just stop it.

What we’re witnessing is “Breaking Bad” syndrome all over again. I’ll explain. Is it a good show? I’m sure. I wouldn’t know. Again, I never watched “Breaking Bad”. Why? Because the last thing I want is to become one of you. You know who you are. I hate you, so, so much.

You’re the same people who took to social media each and every Sunday to tweet your expectations about a show starring some tweaked-out meth head. As it that weren’t enough, after the credits rolled, you graced us with your own personalized recap on the Zuckerberg network. And before “Breaking Bad”, it was “Mad Men”. And “The Sopranos”. And “Lost”.

You’re all addicts rummaging through the TV medicine cabinet, searching for a new dramatic buzz after your tolerance for its predecessor simply stops giving you that sweet, sweet fictional fix.

Trust me. As great as the view is, I hate being up here on this horse that’s higher than a Willie Nelson tour bus. I’m just worried about you.

Every tweet I see about “House of Cards” makes me want to avoid watching it that much more. Not only do I fear I’ll become one of those people I hate, but furthermore, I have a terrible phobia when it comes to being a bandwagon fan.

Here’s this show that apparently has been on for at least one other season. How does that reflect upon me if, all of the sudden, I started jumping into the pool with the rest of you Kool Aid drinkers? At this point, I’m pretty much stuck with only one remaining option: riding out the storm for however long this crap stays on TV, at least until this season is over, and then secretly firing up the ‘Flix. At which point, I’ll make the plunge if you’re all so lucky. I know you’re on pins and needles.

If it makes you feel better, “House of Cards” fans, it’s not you, it’s me. I’m at a pretty frantic point of my life right now. We’re talking job searching, learning to appreciate coffee, the whole shebang. You get what I’m saying? I need to focus on doing me right now. I’m just not ready for the level of commitment needed to start watching a new television show. And besides, it’s not like “House of Cards” stars Juan Pablo.

Maybe one day I’ll get right there with you on the “House of Cards” bandwagon. In the meantime, please shut the hell up about it.

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J Parks Caldwell

J. Parks Caldwell makes jokes to hide the fact that he's upset, because that's what children of divorce do.

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