I don’t know about anyone else, but Friday afternoons in my office seem pretty much pointless. If you don’t have your shit prepared for next week by lunchtime on Friday, you are going to be fucked come Monday, anyway. In my office, I usually just try to mind my own business and look busy on Friday afternoon, but it never fails that these five things seem to be mentioned to me, asked to me, or sent to me every single Friday afternoon. I’m sure the same goes for everyone. Here are the responses we give, and the responses we wish we could give during these all too common Friday afternoon conversations.
“Have any plans this weekend?”
Your response: “Oh no, not really. I’ll probably go have a beer with a few buddies tomorrow and maybe do a few things around the house. I’m sure I’ll check a few emails and finish running those numbers for Mr. Smith on Sunday.”
The honest truth: “Well, I plan on heading straight from this office to the bar and being pretty well smoked by around 10 o’clock tonight. Hopefully, I find a girl that wants to go home and get down, because damn this dry spell is getting old. If I fail to end this painful dry spell tonight, you bet I will be back on the prowl Saturday night. Sunday I will probably look at my laptop and laugh as I order a large pizza for myself and re-watch every season of The League.”
Your response: “Oh yea TGIF to you too Holly! This week really flew by!”
The honest truth: “Listen up, Holly. I know it’s Friday, god damn it. I have literally been counting down the minutes since I got to the office this morning at 9:12am. If I hear you say TGIF to one more person, I will strangle you in the supply closet. I’ve really had enough of your shit, Holly. Between your “It’s just another manic Monday!” at the start of the week to your “What day is it?” every single Wednesday, I’ve simply had enough. I hate you.
“Does anyone want to go for drinks after work tonight?”
Your response: “Sorry, I don’t think I can. My parents are in town, so we are going to go out to dinner. Definitely next time though!”
The honest truth: “There is literally nothing in the world I would rather NOT do than to go get drinks with all of you on my Friday night. Sure the monthly happy hour on a Wednesday is tolerable, but there is absolutely zero chance I want to see what any of you would actually be like knowing you don’t have to work the next day. Please, never include me in an email like this again. Thanks.
“Are you going to have those numbers to me on Monday?”
Your response: “Sorry Mr. Smith, I’ve been completely swamped this week. I will have those right away on Monday sir.
The honest truth: “Listen jackass, I don’t know what these ‘numbers’ are that you are talking about, and even if I did, I would probably take my sweet time running them. I plan on giving these to Holly to do this afternoon. That ass kisser will be happy to do a little extra work for me. Sure I have to give her one good “huuuump daaay” every Wednesday when she asks what day it is, but if that’s all it takes, then count me in. Now, get away from my cube so I can go back to surfing PGP.”
“Have a good weekend!”
Your response: “You too Holly. We’ll see you bright and early Monday morning!”
The honest truth: “I hope you back into one of the light poles in the parking lot on your way out today.”