Holiday Mailbag: I Banged My Coworker After Our Holiday Party And Now I’m Scared

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My email inbox is often stuffed with messages from strangers. They’re usually just people telling me that I suck or I should get a real job. But every once in awhile, I’ll get someone seeking advice. Why someone would think I’m remotely qualified to dole out advice is beyond me. Sometimes, you just gotta help a brother out.

This email came from a particularly distressed cubicle jockey who has found himself in a sticky situation concerning a drunken holiday hookup with a coworker.

Brian,

First off, love PGP. Really gets me through the week. I am a reformed former TFM troll who has now entered the troubled waters of postgrad life. I started a job a couple of months ago and recently struck up a flirty companionship with a girl I work with. We actually work in the same department, and we caved after the company holiday party last weekend. Our company has a strict policy against sex between coworkers. The guy I replaced was fired for hooking up with a female coworker. So here I am with my dick in my hand, in the same boat as the guy who is responsible for me currently being gainfully employed. Should I be scared? Is she going to rat on our relationship when I tell her we need to cut it out? Have you ever been in a situation like this? Please help me.

A terrified postgrad,

[redacted]

First off, you’re bitching about this? You should have no shame. You’ll come to learn that sexual encounters are few and far between as you get older. Savor this one.

Secondly, take a breath. You and this girl are in the same boat. You both value your jobs, right? So neither of you are going to croak. She’s not going to seek revenge by fucking you both out of a job. Literally. Don’t even bother with the formality of a face to face. You gotta go with a clean break. It’s not bad form to shoot her a text to let her know that it can’t happen again.

“Hey. Just wanted to let you know I had a great time the other night, but I think it’s best that we just stay friends.”

Don’t even apologize. She’ll understand. Do NOT make the mistake of going with the face-to-face “hey let’s call this off” meeting. That will end one of two ways: with an awkward half hug/handshake goodbye, or with the two of you boning. Let the dust settle. Forget about her and move on. No ass is worth losing your job over. Unless that ass is Oprah and she’s offering you seven figures a year to become her manslave, then by all means, go for it.

Thirdly, if the two of you can keep your mouths shut, not fall in love with each other and call a spade a spade, you should absolutely continue with this. Do you like making sex with each other? I know it was only once, but maybe go for a sober sleepover one night and see if you like it. I’m not saying jump in with both feet, just do your due diligence. Attachment-free sexy time is a gift that very few can count on in this life and when opportunity comes knocking, you should always check to see who’s there.

Feel free to email me if you have any questions like this one: Brian@grandex.co. Talk to me. Talk to Bri.

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