Myths when it comes to dating aren’t anything new. We’ve got the whole “it matters who texts first” debate , that it’s bad to sleep with him on the first date, and one of my personal favorites, the “he’s not ready for a relationship” line we all throw out when a date or two fails to turn into something more. I’ve been guilty of telling myself this last one on a million occasions, but as I’ve gotten older and marginally wiser, I’ve started to see that this is kind of a cop out – not for the guy, but for us girls.
Nowhere is this particular phenomenon more apparent than everyone’s favorite guilty pleasure, The Bachelor. While watching this week’s episode (which should have been titled “Red Wedding” for the way women were methodically murderedsent home), I noticed that the second a woman thought she may be on the metaphorical chopping block, her go-to stance instantly became wondering if Nick’s looking for a “real” chance at love/marriage – the reality TV version of “he’s not ready for a relationship.” Because obviously, if he’s sending me home, he’s not serious about finding someone, right?
But let’s be realistic here for a minute. I may be naïve, but I have to believe that Nick wouldn’t subject himself to four tours on The Bachelor battleground if he wasn’t looking for something real. Now if it’s real “stardom” or a real relationship he’s seeking, we can’t be exactly sure, but for the sake of my point, let’s give him the benefit of the doubt and assume the latter. Which means Corinne and Co., along with the rest of us ladies, have to ask ourselves the question: why are we always so quick to assume that it’s him, not us?
Now, by saying it’s us, I don’t mean that each of us has some glaring flaw that means we will never find love. I mean, if that’s the case, we’re all screwed – look at how close to perfect Danielle L. (and her boobs) was, and she still got sent home. Instead, I mean that we’re just not “it” for that particular guy. Instead of just accepting that fact, and perhaps even thanking him for realizing it and not dragging it out for the free sex, we feel the need to somehow make it his fault – aka, “he’s not ready for a relationship.” But deep down, we all know this is a fallacy, one we perpetuate in order to avoid admitting a very hard truth:
It’s not that he’s not ready for a relationship, it’s that he doesn’t want one with you.
The interesting part about this is that it puts most of us in a catch-22. We want to believe in soulmates – that we have one (or a few) matches out there who are the perfect compliments to us. At the same time, we want to malign the guy who realizes that we aren’t his soulmate by dismissing the very theory we so badly want to believe in and instead blame his immaturity, his lack of readiness.
Well, ladies – here’s the deal: unfortunately, we don’t get to have it both ways. We don’t get to believe in soulmates, and then trash a dude when he decides that we aren’t one of his. Instead, we have to “woman-up,” and be willing to admit that sometimes it is us, insomuch as we just aren’t the right one for him. We need to recognize that all throwing out the “he’s not ready for a relationship” line does is enable us to lie to ourselves so we feel better about the situation. So instead of placing blame, how about we just mope for a few days, and then pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and get back out there? Because while the hard truth is that he doesn’t want a relationship with you, odds are that there is some other (better) guy out there that does…someday..
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