Full disclosure, I am not a cat person by any stretch, but this is actually one badass kitty, so we’ll let it slide.
You all know the story by now, right? Kid’s playing in the driveway unattended, a neighbor’s dog gets loose, the dog decides, “Well, shit, I haven’t eaten in 2 hours, why don’t I get the Human equivalent of a shank of veal?” and attacks the crap out of the kid, biting its leg, and what not. Then the kid’s cat runs out of the house, alerting the kid’s mom to what’s going on, then literally dive-bombs the attacking dog, swiping at it, and chasing it off, with its tail literally between its legs. The cat’s a hero, and the dog is, well, about to get put down. My inner Dog Person is sad about this, but, well, that’s what happens when dogs attack humans, unprovoked. That’s how it works.
Here’s the video if you haven’t seen it:
I digress. Tara the Cat is a big hero, and she’s everywhere. Every morning show has been talking about Tara non-stop, and I wouldn’t be surprised if I read that she was in the running to replace Craig Ferguson at 12:35 on CBS.
But I think a minor league baseball team might be taking this media-storm way too far. The Bakersfield Blaze, the Single-A affiliate of the Cincinnati Reds, announced that Tara the Hero Cat will be throwing out the ceremonial first pitch on May 20th.
Now, I’m sure this will give Cat People an enormous amount of pride and cooing at their desk, and I wouldn’t be surprised if we saw at least a thousand internet articles about ways this cat throwing out the first pitch will restore your faith in humanity, but I’ve got to call a time out on this one. Whoa whoa whoa, stop the clock. ……How can a CAT throw out the first pitch? How can you even GET a cat to a baseball stadium without it clawing your damn eyes out and running the hell away? Lure it into a pet carrier and then take it out in front of a thousand cheering fans? It’s gonna claw the shit out of the kid and his family!
I know we’ve been spoiled by the baseball-themed sequel to “Air Bud,” “Air Bud: Seventh Inning Fetch,” but at least Dogs can catch a ball, and possibly even pick up a bat at the appropriate height to cover the strike zone, but this is a Cat we’re talking about here, dammit! If presented with an infield fly, Tara would either run the fuck away from it, or approach it slowly, then adorably play with it for a while, distracting the crowd into “Aww”-ing while the first baseman runs in for an in-the-park grand slam. Meanwhile, this was the cat’s plan ALL ALONG because she, like all cats, is a force of pure evil.
Cats can’t throw baseballs. Boner move, Bakersfield Blaze. Cute kitty though.