I once had an English teacher who told me that whenever he had a problem he was having trouble fixing, he’d write about it. Making yourself articulate your thoughts and being able to come back and look at them later on with a different perspective can really help you see things from different angles, he claimed. At the time, I considered his advice a thinly-veiled attempt to stop my habit of writing in cryptic, nigh-incomprehensible shorthand I claimed was “for the sake of efficiency.” Despite his best efforts, I went into the field of natural sciences where my poor writing habits are not only accepted, but encouraged. However, as of late I have begun to take another look at his message about problem-solving.
Like most of you reading this website, my decision-making skills can best be described as “suspect.” It’s not a matter of experience (don’t lack), naiveté (I really should know better), or even intoxication (well, maybe sometimes), but time and again I find myself in a situation where all I can wonder is when and where I went wrong. With that in mind, I present a list of the single worst ideas I’ve had this week. I also present a list of well thought-out explanations that I will inevitably use to justify my poor choices.
I don’t need goggles for this.
Okay in my defense- while I do work in a lab, most of what I do is with a thick pane of glass between me and the things I’m trying to keep sterile (everything). In all honesty, all the protective equipment I wear is for the sake of the cells and samples I’m working on- I’m somewhat more expendable. I do still pull things out of liquid nitrogen storage though, and when small puddles of LN2 get quickly exposed to room temperatures (say, when you take the lid off of a container) they tend to be… volatile. In defiance of every notion of operant conditioning, I still manage to lean directly over the container when I open it. Luckily, it would take a prodigious amount of liquid to get anywhere near my skin without evaporating from my ambient body heat, but it’s still a disconcerting and slightly uncomfortable sensation. One I will certainly experience again.
I should just mix a little bit of alcohol into this protein powder.
Sometimes you need to get swole, but you also need to start pre-gaming ASAP if you want to have fun, but still be in bed by midnight (you do). Enter the Brotein Shake. The ultimate in efficiency, you just add a bit of your spirit of choice to you evening protein beverage. For me a “protein beverage” consists of 3 scoops of protein powder and water because if you add any more powder it just won’t dissolve. Trust me on this one, I’ve tried. A lot. My spirit of choice is Kentucky Straight Bourbon because I hate myself. In a turn of events that surprises no one but me every single time, this results in a horrific concoction that makes me wish I was sober and more secure in my body image. It actually tastes so bad that adding more liquor won’t ruin the taste, but will ruin your night.
I’ll volunteer to put everyone’s dinner on my card this weekend. Everyone will pay me back promptly and there won’t be any confusion over who ordered what. Maybe I’ll keep a tab open too.
Well what if… we could… maybe… I got nothing..
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