Is today national hangover day? Because it should be. Tequila leads a double life. It is one of the greatest gifts that God has given us but is also a total piece of shit that brings you up just to pull you back down. No, it literally pulled me down. I fell in the shower this morning. In my defense, my shower is really slippery, and it was only a matter of time (just moved in two months ago). But had my reaction time not been slowed by copious amounts of alcohol, it likely would not have happened. Anyway, not what this is about.
I woke up like much of America this morning with a slight headache and a dry mouth. I got a text from my best friend at 6:37 a.m. that said “Atta girl.” and got nervous. I had texted her at 12:04 a.m., “I drank wayyyy too much tonight. Going to have so many tinder and bumble messages in the morning.” I hardly ever get on Bumble/Tinder and only do it when I’m drunk and feeling judgmental. Last night, I possessed both of those qualities in spades. So I opened Bumble and started to read. And it seemed like it was never going to stop. I don’t remember writing most of them, and I immediately unmatched two guys because it was straight-up embarrassing. I got shit-faced last night and sent seventeen Bumble messages. Here they are.
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