It’s been well-documented that I’m on a strict Wedding Season Diet. If you think I’m even getting near sweets, you’re out of your damn mind. There’s a 0.0% chance I’m going to let people think I’ve let myself go at this wedding in June. So even though I may be substituting some dinners with three-quarters of a bottle of red, I’m not having any Girl Scout Cookies for desert.
But with that being said, I’m a man of the people. With every visit to the grocery store, we’re guilted into buying these damn cookies from a bunch of doe-eyed snot-nosed Girl Scouts who are trying to make a buck to get a stupid badge or something. Constantly turning them down and feeling the guilt of hurting their feelings is enough to drive me to drink, which is why someone at Vivino pairing wines with said cookies is the perfect idea.
Thin Mints + Brunello
Thin Mints are my all-time favorite Girl Scout cookie. These round, mint-flavored cookies with a chocolate coating scream for a good Brunello and since the 2010’s are awesome and just hitting the shelves, we figured why not?
For those of you who have zero knowledge of wines (much like myself, as displayed in Wine Terminology As Described By Someone Who Knows Nothing About Wine), a Brunellos “have a more fleshy texture with common aromas and flavors of blackberry, black cherry, black raspberry, chocolate, leather and violets.” And if you put your Thin Mints in the fridge like me, I can only assume that mint combines in a hella tasty way with the berry flavors up in dat Brunello.
Samoas + Rioja
Caramel deLites® and Samoas are the iconic caramel and toasted coconut-covered cookies that will taste even better (if you can imagine that) with an aged Rioja. Norris tells us she keeps a stash of these cookies in her freezer – for emergencies, of course.
I don’t even know what a Rioja is. I tell people I like Cabernets and Pinots, so this sounds like it’d be right up my alley — “If you love the structure of Cabernet Sauvignon but the fruitiness of Grenache then you’ll love Tempranillo. It’s big wine with high tannin that will buddy up to any piece of rich meat.”
Samoas are low-key the best Girl Scout Cookie in the game, so I could fuck with this combination on a casual Saturday night in.
Tagalongs + Amarone
Peanut Butter Patties and Tagalongs are coated in chocolate and peanut butter and have a big taste, which means they need a big wine. Go get an Amarone.
Uh-oh! Bad boys only! Tagalongs are dank as hell, and probably one of the worst for you with that whole chocolate / peanut butter / caramel combo. And Amarone? Wine Tastings Guide describes it in the most badass way one can describe a wine — “Amarone wines are some of the most intriguing, but also controversial, wines from Italy. Made in an unusual style, they have a unique character and heady richness that is hard to surpass.”
Controversial? Unusual? Unique character? Heady richness? Sign. Me. Up.
Trefoils + German Riesling
Trefoils are shortbread cookies that will go great with an off-dry German Riesling. Clean and simple.
Snooze City, population: this combination. You know who likes Trefoils? Wet blankets with terrible personalities. These are the same people whose favorite ice cream is vanilla.
Do-Si-Dos + Zinfandel
Do-Si-Dos are oatmeal peanut butter sandwiches that pair exceptionally well with a big California Zinfandel. The combo will taste like your favorite peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Just what you’re looking for in a wine pairing — a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.
Cranberry Citrus Crisps + Pinot Noir
Cranberry Citrus Crisps have a zesty citrus flavor that made us reach straight for a complimentary New Zealand Pinot Noir.
Ugh, we’re getting into the cookies that no one eats. If I’m having a New Zealand Pinot, I’m reachin’ for a chick flick. Not Cranberry Citrus Crisps.
Lemonades + Arneis
Lemonades are lemon-icing-topped shortbread cookies. Norris got adventurous here suggesting an Italian Roero Arneis. Arneis is a white wine grape that originated in Piedmont, Italy and is most commonly found in the hills of the Roero, which is northwest of Alba. Yum.
Man, so adventurous, that Norris. But I respect going with the citrusy-Italy combination. I have some bergamot-scented lotion from Italy and it gets rave reviews from all the honeys out there givin’ me hugs.
Rah-Rah Raisins + Bordeaux
Rah-Rah Raisins are oatmeal cookies with raisins and Greek yogurt-flavored chunks that need a heavily merlot based wine like a left bank Bordeaux.
May need to cop some of these for the next time I head to Whole Foods for a live blog, because their Bordeaux game was on point.
Savannah Smiles + Sancerre
Savannah Smiles are lemon-flavored cookies dusted with powdered sugar. Pair them with a Sancerre and you will have a match made in heaven.
This sounds right up your grandma’s alley. NEXT.
Thanks-A-Lot + Bandol Rouge
Thanks-A-Lot cookies are made of shortbread with fudge on the bottom. “Try a Bandol Rouge,” says Norris. Bandol is an appellation in Provence, in south-eastern France. Bandol’s red wines are at least 50% Mourvedre, which is a spicy grape, so it’ll work great with the chocolate.
I could talk a lot of shit about the Thanks-A-Lots, but they’re actually bomb as hell if you’re not trying to get anything so rich it’ll give you stomach cramps. Looking at you, Tagalongs.
Toffee-tastic + Chateauneuf-du-Pape
Toffee-tastic™ cookies are buttery with toffee bits. While the toffee alone screams for a tawny port, accompanied with the cookie, a Chateauneuf-du-Pape, a red blend from southern Rhone valley, would be a better choice.
Chateauneuf-du-Papes have a special place in my heart. When I was 19, I got bombed at Christmas Eve dinner before I went to church for the midnight service where I had to do a reading in front of everyone. Thankfully, much like the Beastie Boys, “Like a bottle of Châteauneuf-du-Pape, I’m fine like wine when I start to rap.”
Trios + Syrah
Trios are peanut butter oatmeal cookie chocolate chip cookies, which also happen to be gluten free. Pick a Washington State Syrah because the dark berry in the Syrah will work great with the peanut butter and chocolate chips.
That’s just a stomachache waiting to happen. But fuck. Now all I want is a glass of red and some damn Girl Scout Cookies. Looks like I’m taking my lunch break at the local super market. Later. .
Image via Unsplash