Happy National Coffee Day, Everyone

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I have just been informed that today is National Coffee Day. Honestly, when I saw this on Twitter and Facebook today, I thought it was another dumb social media trend perpetuated by Morning Talk Shows. Looking at you, Lara Spencer, you absolute smokeshow.

Turns out, it’s a real thing and it’s apparently not just National Coffee Day here in the good old U.S. of A., but they’re celebrating the holiday today in Australia, Canada, Scotland, England, New Zealand, Sweden, South Africa, and Norway of all places, and apparently other countries celebrate it on different days. So I guess it really should be International Coffee Day? Nah, fuck it, this is America, so it’s National Coffee Day. Now let’s celebrate our favorite drink that we get from South America, Latin America and parts of Africa.

For those of us in our twenties and beyond — the working stiffs of the future — coffee is basically our life-blood; we are the brunch generation after all. Our parents beat into our heads that breakfast was the most important meal of the day and we really took it to heart; and as we got older, we realized that coffee is the cornerstone of that meal. Hell, sometimes it is the meal. I can honestly have a cup of coffee instead of a meal and use it as an appetite suppressant. Healthy? Probably not. Effective? Hell to the fuck to the hell to the yeah!

Coffee is the first thing we think about when we wake up; the thing that in fact wakes us up and keeps us going throughout the day and, for some of us, is the last thing we go to sleep thinking about. Maybe you dream about coffee. I know I do. Maybe some of you even fantasize sexually about coffee, and if that’s your thing, God bless you, you do you. Just don’t do it near your coworkers.

And the best part about coffee is the fact that there are so many different places to get it and so many different things to do with it: Iced. Hot. Cappuccino. Espresso. Macchiato. Misto. Mocha. Latte. You can get a frappé if you’re fat or Greek (or both). Red eye. Black eye. You can even get a “triple-whip, skinny, wet, upside-down Mocha Chocalata ya ya” if you so choose, whatever the fuck that is. It’s the freedom of choice when it comes to coffee that makes it so good. Everyone has an order and everyone’s order is different. Except for basic bitches who universally make the switch from a caramel macchiato to a pumpkin spice latte when the calendar changes. I can’t help you there.

Folks, get out there and go celebrate National Coffee Day. Kiss your Keurig Machine and sing the “Golden Girls” theme song to it and thank it for being a friend. Take advantage of some of the ridiculous coffee deals that places are offering — McDonald’s is offering a free, small McCafé coffee during breakfast hours, Tim Horton’s is sending people on a social media scavenger hunt to claim $9,000 in gift cards, Krispy Kreme is giving out a free 12 oz. coffee, Chick-Fil-A is serving a small hot coffee or medium iced coffee for free with a meal (as if you needed an excuse to get a chicken sandwich and waffle fries), and, not to be outdone, Dunkin’ Donuts is offering FREE medium cups of their brand new dark roast blend. A fitting giveaway from the King of Coffee (on the East Coast, anyway).

Thank God for coffee. Otherwise I’d be passed out in a ditch somewhere or slumped under my desk, probably not moving. In fact, I think it’s the only thing keeping my heart beating. I’m afraid if I stop drinking it, I’ll die.

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