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Guy Fieri Reviews Your Nightly Dinner

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Found deep in the archives of Food Network’s vault, the long forgotten triple D footage of an unaired “Diners, Drive-Ins And Dives” episode was discovered this week. The following is a transcription of the film.

(Scene opens on a shot of the wheels of a cherry red 1968 Chevelle, driving down the main street of picturesque Smalltown, USA. Camera slowly pans up the driver’s side of the car to the chrome sunglasses and frosted tips of America’s favorite Food Network star, wearing a Hawaiian shirt emblazoned with flames and playing cards)

Guy Fieri: “Hey everybody, I’m Guy Fieri, and we’re rolling out, looking for America’s greatest postgrad pig-out spots. This is Diners, Drive-Ins And Dives.”

(Rockin’ guitar riff. Camera follows Chevelle as it speeds off down the street, we can barely make out Guy’s custom “FLY-GUY” license plate. Scene transitions to Guy standing in the cramped kitchen of a small, one bedroom apartment)

“This week, me and the ’68 are checking out a killer new place just outside of Nashville, Tenn., that’s slinging some serious postgrad grub. This place opened in the Summer 2010, when the chef finally moved into his own apartment, got a real job, and stopped stealing groceries from his parents’ pantry. He discovered he had a knack for putting some spin on the college diet classics, and he’s been dishing out the delicacies ever since. Welcome to Postgrad Kitchen.”

GF: “Alright kemosabe, what’s on the menu today?”
Postgrad Kitchen Chef: “Hey Guy, real excited to have you here today! We’ve got some of our favorites lined up for you to try!”
GF: “How would you describe the cuisine here?”
PKC: “Well, when it’s not takeout, I’ll normally just make whatever the grocery store has on the 10 for $10 special. One day I filled up the cart with 30 Totino’s Party Pizzas.”
GF: “All about the value!”
PKC: “Yeah, too bad all that food can’t fill the hole that no social life, no money, and a soul-sucking job has left me with. But man, that Totino can sure make a pizza! Plus, all that grease made me break out like a kid in the “before” pictures of a Proactive ad.”
GF: “My man! All this talk about pizza, you just opened up the floodgates on my jowls! I don’t know whether I’m drooling or if my mouth is crying tears of joy!”
PKC: “Uh, alright…let’s start off with a house favorite, the mac and cheese special.”
GF: “Rock it out! What are we doing? Freshly made pasta dough? A creamy béchamel sauce?”
PKC: “No, we’re just going to microwave these two Kraft Mac & Cheese bowls. We tried cutting down the portions since the serving size is just one bowl, but that wouldn’t even fill up one of those Ethiopian kids on those Feed the Children commercials. It’s criminal.”
GF: “Microwave, huh? Now that’s what I call down-home comfort food! So what makes this mac and cheese so special?”
PKC: “I’m going to cut up a hotdog and throw it in there with a shit ton of hot sauce.”
GF: “Nice! Homemade hot sauce?”
PKC: “No, no, I use this bottle of Cholula hot sauce I stole from the Mexican restaurant next to my work. Can you believe this stuff is, like, $6 at the store? Must be that wooden cap.”
GF: “You guys are definitely doing it…your way!”
(Guy offers PKC a fist bump)
GF: “Alright, let’s dive in!”
(Guy pushes up sleeves of Hawaiian shirt, and using plastic spork from KFC takeout package, Guy shovels piping hot mac and cheese into his mouth)
GF: “That’s GANGSTER! I think that burned the bleached blonde racing stripe off my goatee!”
(Guy wipes the tears from his eyes)
PKC: “Yeah, it’s got a kick. Nothing that an ice cold craft beer won’t fix!”
GF: “You guys serve craft beers, too?”
PKC: “Well, sometimes. I don’t get paid until the end of the month, so all I’ve got now is a couple loose Keystones left over from a tailgate last weekend.”
(Guy, now streaming snot and tears from the heat of the food, motions for a drink. PKC opens fridge–which is completely empty, save for a few beer cans, styrofoam to-go boxes, and a lot of half-empty condiment bottles–and tosses Guy a Keystone. Guy chugs from can and belches)
GF: “Wooo, dude, that was some OUT OF BOUNDS heat!”
PKC: “Yeah, it’ll clean your system out pretty quickly.”
GF: “What’s next up on the menu, hoss?”
PKC: “How about our famous leftover pizza?”
GF: “Like, just reheated pizza?”
PKC: “Basically. We do put a little twist on it, though.”
GF: “I like where this is going! Walk me through it, (in bad Cajun accent) mon Capitan!”
PKC: “Well, we’re going to take one these Totino’s party pizzas and add all the leftovers in the fridge as a topping.”
GF: “You guys are some culinary ninjas!” (Guy karate chops air)
PKC: “And you’re in luck today! Normally my only leftovers are the second half of my Subway footlong sandwiches, but I was able to snag some P.F. Chang’s lettuce wraps that were left over from our catered monthly budget meeting on Tuesday.”
(PKC pulls box from fridge and opens to show contents, food has obviously been eaten from, as most of the lettuce has bite marks)
GF: “Oh man, it’s an Asian sensation across the nation!”
PKC: “Throw this in the microwave, and we’ll feast like kings!”
(PKC nukes pizza with leftover P.F. Chang’s, puts it in microwave. Microwave dings, and food is smoking–not steaming, smoking; PKC uses a bath towel to pull out plate, because he doesn’t own an oven mitt)
PKC: “Hope you like it a little charred!”
GF: “You could slip that slop on a flip flop and I’d still eat it.”
(Guy, doing his patented “Hunch” eating technique, takes enormous bite)
GF: (coughing and gagging) “What is that, uh, different…after taste?”
PKC: “Well there were a bunch of soy sauce packets in the fridge when I moved in, so I thought I’d throw that on the pizza, too. Soy sauce can’t go bad, right?”
(Guy’s face is visibly turning paler; sweat pours from his forehead)
PKC: “You alright, Guy?”
(Guy, starting to sway back and forth with delirium burps and covers his mouth)
GF: “You! (points at PKC) GET THE HELL OUT OF FLAVORTOWN!”
(Guy burps again, vomits, and then passes out)

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