Life occasionally has this nasty habit of kicking you square in the balls. Sometimes this happens over and over and over again until you have no other choice but to turn to some kind of mind-altering substance in order to deal with whatever you’re going through. Sometimes being overly happy can have similar effects. Either way, you sometimes need to drink your fucking face off for an extended period of time. While most people would frown upon going on a bender, we think that there’s a time and a place for everything — sometimes you just gotta grab the bull by the balls and time travel a few days into the future to get away from your problems. But questions still remain: What defines an acceptable reason to go on a bender? How long is too long? Let’s find out.
Favorite Sports Team Losing In The Playoffs
Time Limit: One Night
Justification: There’s no worse feeling than seeing your team go so far and fall so short of winning it all. But, at the end of the day, there is absolutely no merit behind your sadness. None at all. Win or lose, all the players are millionaires, the team is owned by a billionaire (or two), and none of them give a fuck about you, even if you paid $500 a seat to see them choke in a divisional championship series. They certainly won’t comp you free tickets if you lose your job for being late or visibly hungover, so do yourself a favor: Get it all out of your system that night, wake up early, suck it up, and go to work.
Favorite Sports Team Winning A Title
Time Limit: One Night + Next Day + Parade Day
Justification: See above, but let yourself take a sick day to go to your city’s championship parade, if you can. You earned it. Sure, you didn’t get on the field or court and hit that walk-off homer/nail that buzzer-beater three/intercept that boneheaded end zone pass, but you sitting on your ass and eating nachos really made a difference. It’s your shining moment, champ.
Car Broke Down/Car Accident
Time Limit: Two Days
Justification: As a disclaimer, I think this goes without saying, but if alcohol or any other substance was the cause of either of these issues, seek help immediately. Otherwise, car repairs are fucking expensive, and you might be stuck for a couple of days. May as well hit the bottle and rage it out. It’s like closing your eyes and taking a nap. When you wake up, your car is either fixed, or someone offered to lend you a car or give you a ride to work. Magic!
Time Limit: Weekend + Monday
Justification: Well, look at you. You’re single. Who knows why? Maybe you weren’t attentive enough, or perhaps your whore-mongering ways got the better of you. Maybe you’re a mental patient trying to determine how long you can justify going on a bender. Either way, the love of your life has decided to call it quits. Take a couple days on this one. Don’t immediately try to hop into the sack with anyone, lest you end up a weepy, emotional mess. Just lock yourself in a room or go out with your boys and get tanked. If they try to leave to go home to their wives or girlfriends, tell them they’re pussies and then personally call their significant others and tell them to fuck off. You’re allowed, they’ll understand. Don’t try and miss work, but if you’ve got to take a sick or personal day to recover, that’s more than okay. I’m not encouraging you to buy a handle of Jameson and every Taylor Swift song and try to consume them in one day, but it certainly helps.
Time Limit: Duration Of Long Weekend
Justification: Don’t look this gift horse in the mouth. Get fucked up regardless of the occasion: Memorial Day, Labor Day, MLK Weekend (solemnly and with reverence, of course), Presidents’ Day, parent-teacher conference Day, snow day, whatever. If you can remember a second of that weekend, you’ve failed yourself, your ancestors, and your god.
Jewish Holiday Weekend
Time Limit: Duration Of Long Weekend, From Sundown To Sundown
Justification: Same as above, but throw a “l’chaim” in there. Don’t forget to thank your Hebrew homies for hooking you up with an extra day off for Yom Kippur, Simchas Torah, Shemini Atzerets, or another one that sounds completely made up.
Time Limit: Four Or Five Days
Justification: You got shit-canned from your first job. Maybe it’s your boss’s fault for being a dick. Maybe you were fired for gross incompetence. Maybe you banged an intern on a copy machine. Whatever it is, it’s totally not your fault, and my advice to you is to start drinking heavily. Get smashed and watch Netflix and SportsCenter on repeat, but don’t let it get excessive. At some point, you have to pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and start sending out some résumés. Otherwise, you’re in danger of moving into “wino” territory.
Throwing A Pick In The Super Bowl When You Should’ve Just Run The Fucking Ball In
Time Limit: Undetermined
Justification: My grandmother could’ve run that ball in, and she’s been dead since ‘96. Thanks for costing me money, Shithawks..