In my opinion, pointless drinking holidays are without question the best kind of holidays. Even though Cinco de Mayo is technically a Mexican cultural event, there are few things that are more American than shitty Mexican food and cheap margaritas, and I for one believe it is our patriotic duty to celebrate with our neighbors to the south accordingly.
In college, it didn’t matter when these glorious days rolled around, but once you’re in the real world, if you want to celebrate them as they were meant to be celebrated, it takes a little bit of a foresight.
Even if it’s on a Tuesday, Cinco de Mayo isn’t something you should half-ass. You’re not a rookie. There’s only one end result to slamming something sugary and full of tequila all night, and that is a bone-crushing hangover the next morning. Accept it. Water and Advil on your nightstand, Pedialyte in the refrigerator, and an alarm set with enough time to swing by McDonald’s on the way to work.
Rally the Troops
Want to know the fastest way to derail the Tequila Express? Send a group text at 4:30 saying “Margs?” Inevitably you’ll have the asshole who doesn’t want to go straight from work because he can’t miss Crossfit, the one who’s “trying to take it easy this week” and the person who won’t respond to the message until 11 p.m. with the cryptic “Out?” Forget them. This isn’t amateur hour – this is time to bring out the A-team of your best degenerate friends. Not everyone can handle slamming liquor on a Tuesday, but if you can surround yourself with people who can, you’re in for a hell of a night.
Scout your Location
Avoid the “Well, where should we go?” bullshit in the hours before 5 p.m. The key is to maximize cheapness, authenticity, and proximity to other nightlife for when you inevitably decide it’s a great idea to go bar hopping later in the night. I’m personally a big fan of Mexican restaurants in strip malls because the drinks are strong, the chips and salsa never end, and they won’t care when you get rowdy.
Go With the Flow
It’s easy to gauge the tempo of an average Friday or a Saturday. Weeknight raging is more difficult to predict, especially on a night like Cinco de Mayo, so keep your eyes and ears open. The good thing is that most people who make it out on a Tuesday are committed to the party, so it shouldn’t be too hard to keep the fun going.
Know When to Call It
You know what you can handle on a weeknight. Draw your own line in the sand and stick to it. You don’t want to be the person who steals a sombrero and a poncho from their restaurant and ends up in the backseat of a police cruiser, handcuffed, bloody, and covered in urine.
There’s no reason a Tuesday Cinco de Mayo should deter your celebration of America’s second most important drinking holiday. With the proper planning and execution nothing can screw up your night except for, well, tequila. .
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