I’ve always taken pride in being able to resist the urge to be trendy. For example, I’m not on Instagram. Also, every intellectual I know chastises me for having never touched Game of Thrones, but I keep my pride all the while.
Over the past few months, I caved and decided to give Greek yogurt a try. You know, that thing that nobody had ever heard of five years ago but is now all the craze in dieting and good looks? Sure, it sounds practical. It’s high in protein, and no cows died in the making of it, so I guess that’s pretty cool, if you’re into that kind of thing.
Besides, given that gelato (aka “Italian ice cream”) is supposed to be the creme de la creme of deserts, perhaps it makes sense to stack it up against its fellow Mediterranean dairy counterparts in terms of tastiness too.
In a nutshell, Greek yogurt is everything that is wrong with America. You’d have to be a clown to try and tell me that you’d prefer having six ounces of this glorified cottage cheese substance over any other snack that a normal person would eat. In a competition of “Greek Yogurt vs. Normal Yogurt,” let’s breakdown why Greek yogurt sucks, and why you too should move on past this foolish trend.
I’ll acknowledge the reality at hand: in a lot of ways, I am a spoiled piece of shit who grew up in the early 2000s on Gogurt, Danimals, and pre-frozen yogurt craze Sprinklins. So naturally, in my mind, not only should yogurt be the simpler, refrigerated substitute for Dreyer’s ice cream, it should be in the same neighborhood of tastebud pleasure.
Any human who has ever put vanilla Greek yogurt in their mouth without wanting to immediately vomit it back out is a goddamn poser. I recently made the biggest mistake of my life in giving this whole thing one last shot by buying an entire vanilla tub of Oikos yogurt, convincing myself that if I added some granola, it would be quite the treat.
The thing about Greek yogurt is that not only does it taste more like sour cream than actual yogurt, it has an exceptional ability to not blend with its topping. Like oil with water, they’re just not compatible, and it causes thousands of innocent people to waste granola every day.
Alright, alright, we all heard you the first time: Greek yogurt has more protein than regular yogurt. According to a 2011 US News article, a typical serving of Greek yogurt contains 17 to 20 grams of protein, compared to the nine grams of protein that a same-sized serving of normal yogurt would provide.
If you’re willing shove this garbage down your throat for the sake of 10 grams of protein, be my guest. In the meantime, I’ll just drink a glass of milk (eight grams per cup) or maybe just treat myself to another cup of yogurt that doesn’t make me hate myself. Don’t you worry, if 20 grams of protein is the new requirement for healthy snacks, you bet your ass I’ll reach it.
Not to mention this little tidbit from the same article: “Be wary of Greek yogurt’s fat content. In just 7 ounces, Fage’s full-fat Greek yogurt packs 16 grams of saturated fat—or 80 percent of your total daily allowance if you’re on a 2,000-calorie diet.”
As a considerably frugal twenty-something, I would at least respect all the Greek yogurt fan boys out there who buy into this stuff if it meant that they were playing to their tight budget as well.
Except for the fact that that’s not the case at all. According to my research, a 32-ounce tub of Oikos yogurt is $4.88 (16 cents/ounce), while a normal yogurt tub of the same size is only $2.38 (7.5 cents/ounce).
Thank you for extending me the offer to pay over twice as much for your yogurt that lacks actual health benefits and tastes like it came from an 80-year-old woman’s breast milk, but I think I’ll pass for now. I’m sorry for your economic hard times, Greece, but this trick doesn’t make me want to help you out.
Normal yogurt, etc: 3
Greek yogurt: 0
Hate away, haters..