I’ve reluctantly invested my adolescence into The Mighty Ducks trilogy (except for D3, that movie was utter trash). Whether it be fate or choice, I grew up on the Adam Banks triple dekes and attempting to initiate the ‘quack’ at professional sporting contests.
While fellow peers may have been fixated on Batman and Ken Griffey Jr. throughout their childhood period, I turned to Mighty Ducks Head Coach Gordon Bombay when times grew dark. Looking back on it, I was wholeheartedly conned. Because Gordon Bombay is a pretentious flunkee who has steered me wrong for, well, all my life.
Some may view Bombay, the Minneapolis native as an influential ringleader who revamped the District 5 Ducks into one of the most-feared hockey clubs that the North Star State had to offer. Did we forget that Bombay was forced to grab the reins of this downtrodden club because he couldn’t wait ten minutes until he got home to start slinging a Zombie Dust longneck in his 1988 Buick Regal? The guy was a walking DUI who unwillingly had to coach a peewee hockey team in order to save his own ass. This may be a partial tearjerker that ends with the protagonist coming to his senses by the end of the movie, but Bombay had no intentions of molding these kids.
And let’s not even get started with Bombay’s mall escapade. Yeah, let’s have a dozen-or-so teenagers skate around the local shopping center in roller blades. In addition to infinite safety hazards, if I was ever caught wheeling around Forever 21, I’d be banned. And for the Ducks — along with Bombay — they should have been outlawed from ever getting their hands on an Auntie Anne’s cinnamon-laden pretzel for eternity.
As for the sentimental sector, I’m going to side with Disney on the whole ‘this movie needs a love plot.’ It’s inevitable. But holy shit. Bombay and Conway’s mom? The kids life is ruined before he hits puberty.
“Charlie, you’re on the third line today, don’t make daddy mad,” says Bombay, with a halfhearted smirk and gleaming, pompous pupils. Conway is an overrated, incapable gutterling for what it’s worth. So the kid had it coming sooner or later.
If we were to create Gordon Bombay as a coach in NHL ’16, his integrity would be -21. I understand that the Goodwill Games call for flaunting your glitz and boasting your production to the rest of the world, but what Bombay did to Trinidad and Tobago will go down as first-degree murder. You’re up by DOUBLE-DIGITS and still calling the hounds on these poor kids dressed in Trix yogurt jerseys? Gee, I don’t know, maybe cycle the puck around and play dump-and-chase to avoid injury? Would’ve loved to see Mendoza suffer an ACL tear just to give Bombay a sliver of karma.
Now you couple Team USA with the largest Junior Hockey stage in the world and all Bombay is zeroed in on is late-night ice cream with Iceland, USA’s biggest rival since the Soviets in 1980, and its assistant female smoke bomb? I mean, yeah, I’ll golf clap for Bombay pulling a forest fire but man, you have a game the next day. You could’ve stayed home and brushed up on the power play scheme. Champions are built on rest and preparation, and I’m ecstatic that Bombay’s reward in return was a 12-1 ass beating to Gunnar Stahl and Team Iceland.
What exactly is a role model? Some may define these star-studded dynamos as influential advocates portraying their well-being to their chosen understudies. Next time you have the luxury of rolling out the red carpet for television’s greatest show on ice, remember to neglect the counterfeit big shot that is Gordon Bombay. .