Going To Weddings Just Isn’t Fun Anymore

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Going To Weddings Has Become The Bane Of My Existence

Read last week’s J.R. Hickey column.

Each year I find myself hating the things young John used to enjoy. A wedding was an event where I could drink for free and cut loose with people I hadn’t seen in awhile. These days, they’re an all around headache to attend and the worst part of my personality comes out.

22-year-old John: An out of town wedding?! This is going to be so much fun!
28-year-old JR: An out of town wedding?! I can’t believe I have to burn PTO for this.

John: I’d better head to Marshalls and pick up a brown belt. Oooh, this one is brown on one side and black on the other!
JR: How many other guys will be wearing the same Ludlow as me? Over/under is set at 12.

John: I can’t wait to see all my old friends from college. It’s been so long since we graduated six months ago.
JR: It’s probably best if I skip town for awhile. Let things settle down…

John: I’m so glad they’re finally getting married! We’ve got to start planning a couples trip with them!

John: “Do you think it’s cool if we crash at so and so’s place since they live in the same city?” We’ll completely disrupt their weekend.
JR: “Hey Mom and Dad, have you gotten any phone calls about me? Did anybody maybe stop by?”

John: Cash bar? I get it, they’re young and probably need to save the money.
JR: Cash bar? We’re fucking out of here.

John: What an awesome ceremony. I admit I teared up a little during the vows.
JR: They’d better keep this thing under a half hour. We traveled a long way.

John: It’s so cool of the groom’s cousin to DJ the reception with his iPod Classic.
JR: If this dude doesn’t play “Return of the Mack,” this night is ruined.

John: clinks glassware “Kiss! KISS!!!”
JR: This is so weird, I remember how slutty she used to be and how crippling his gambling addiction is.

John: I don’t think I’ve laughed any harder than during that Best Man’s speech. Hilarious.
JR: I don’t think this fucking guy is going to play “Return of the Mack.”

John: OK, a lot of inside jokes in the Maid of Honor’s speech. Not really following but it’s the thought that counts.
JR: Women aren’t as funny as men.

John: Good move getting the fish babe, I got the chicken so now we can try both!
JR: “Hey can I borrow your steak knife to cut this? Yeah I seem to have misplaced mine…”

John: puts phone away “Sorry.” Ugh I just wanted to check the score of the game.
JR: “Don’t worry, I won’t leave like last summer.” When will people learn to only have July or August weddings?

John: “This dessert is incredible. Do you think we can ask for seconds?”
JR: “Sorry I was gone for so long. What jacket? I wasn’t wearing a jacket…”

John: “How late do you think they have this place for? Where we going after this?!”
JR: No shot they rented this place past 11.

John: We should probably track down everybody in the wedding party and say extended 20-minute goodbyes to each person.
JR: “I didn’t notice that the music stopped playing. Hey, let’s get out of here. Like right now.”

John: Being there tonight made me think about what I want to do for MY wedding!
JR: “It’s red frosting from the cake. I’ll just throw these clothes in a dumpster. Hey let’s go straight to the airport!”

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