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Going To Weddings Just Isn’t Fun Anymore

Going To Weddings Has Become The Bane Of My Existence

Read last week’s J.R. Hickey column.

Each year I find myself hating the things young John used to enjoy. A wedding was an event where I could drink for free and cut loose with people I hadn’t seen in awhile. These days, they’re an all around headache to attend and the worst part of my personality comes out.

22-year-old John: An out of town wedding?! This is going to be so much fun!
28-year-old JR: An out of town wedding?! I can’t believe I have to burn PTO for this.

John: I’d better head to Marshalls and pick up a brown belt. Oooh, this one is brown on one side and black on the other!
JR: How many other guys will be wearing the same Ludlow as me? Over/under is set at 12.

John: I can’t wait to see all my old friends from college. It’s been so long since we graduated six months ago.
JR: It’s probably best if I skip town for awhile. Let things settle down…

John: I’m so glad they’re finally getting married! We’ve got to start planning a couples trip with them!
JR:

John: “Do you think it’s cool if we crash at so and so’s place since they live in the same city?” We’ll completely disrupt their weekend.
JR: “Hey Mom and Dad, have you gotten any phone calls about me? Did anybody maybe stop by?”

John: Cash bar? I get it, they’re young and probably need to save the money.
JR: Cash bar? We’re fucking out of here.

John: What an awesome ceremony. I admit I teared up a little during the vows.
JR: They’d better keep this thing under a half hour. We traveled a long way.

John: It’s so cool of the groom’s cousin to DJ the reception with his iPod Classic.
JR: If this dude doesn’t play “Return of the Mack,” this night is ruined.

John: clinks glassware “Kiss! KISS!!!”
JR: This is so weird, I remember how slutty she used to be and how crippling his gambling addiction is.

John: I don’t think I’ve laughed any harder than during that Best Man’s speech. Hilarious.
JR: I don’t think this fucking guy is going to play “Return of the Mack.”

John: OK, a lot of inside jokes in the Maid of Honor’s speech. Not really following but it’s the thought that counts.
JR: Women aren’t as funny as men.

John: Good move getting the fish babe, I got the chicken so now we can try both!
JR: “Hey can I borrow your steak knife to cut this? Yeah I seem to have misplaced mine…”

John: puts phone away “Sorry.” Ugh I just wanted to check the score of the game.
JR: “Don’t worry, I won’t leave like last summer.” When will people learn to only have July or August weddings?

John: “This dessert is incredible. Do you think we can ask for seconds?”
JR: “Sorry I was gone for so long. What jacket? I wasn’t wearing a jacket…”

John: “How late do you think they have this place for? Where we going after this?!”
JR: No shot they rented this place past 11.

John: We should probably track down everybody in the wedding party and say extended 20-minute goodbyes to each person.
JR: “I didn’t notice that the music stopped playing. Hey, let’s get out of here. Like right now.”

John: Being there tonight made me think about what I want to do for MY wedding!
JR: “It’s red frosting from the cake. I’ll just throw these clothes in a dumpster. Hey let’s go straight to the airport!”

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JR Hickey

Stand up comedian and writer from Chicago who now resides on the West Coast. JR can be seen performing at Cobbs Comedy Club in San Francisco and Zanies Comedy Clubs in Chicago. His work has been published in the Chicago Tribune and recently he was a part of SF Sketchfest 2015. JR's also the host of the PGP dating podcast Don't Take It From Us. He loves you very, very much.

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