My Dearest Roommates,
I don’t know how long we’ve been fighting this war. The start feels so far in the past now, as I’ve almost certainly been on hold for at least three hours. I remember when we could sit at home, on the couch, watching Game of Thrones on HBO and enjoying our youth, laughing, crying, complaining that I’ve spoiled half the series because I read the books. All I know is, this campaign seems never-ending. I have spent countless weeks and hours on the phone with a man in a foreign land, fighting endlessly over “package deals” and “limited time offers.” I know a raw deal when I see one, though. We can’t give in; it’s appeasement. It’s so damn cold now. We should probably turn on the heat since it’s December.
They’re wearing us down at the front. The cost of this entire campaign has been astronomical, probably because one of us Pay-Per-Viewed a lot of porn last month. They’re unwilling to negotiate. They demand reparations for Back Door Sluts 9, and I fear that nothing I say into the receiver of this phone will convince the man allegedly named “Jeff” in Southeast Asia on the other end to relent. They’ve resorted to psy-ops to trick us into thinking that Jeff shares our plight, but when he actually plans to make us pay, and pay dearly. Seriously though, like 400 dollars. It’s outrageous. He won’t even let me talk to a manager.
I have received word from you all on the home front that things are looking grim. We’ve been without network or cable access for a considerable period of time as hostilities rage on. I’ve heard, in acts of desperation, that people in the house are heading to local coffee shops and libraries to get news from the outside world from public Wi-Fi. Truly, we are facing a barbaric and merciless enemy, but I fight on to end their fiber optic tyranny in the name of reasonably priced entertainment. No one in this house should have to sell bodily fluids to pay their chunk of the cable bill. No one.
There is a glimmer of hope though. Through persistence and my repeated demands to speak to a commanding officer, we’ve had a breakthrough on the diplomatic side of the conflict. They’re willing to consider lowering the bill in exchange for a package deal on phone, TV, and internet. It even includes HBO and Showtime, but we will face the shame of having to purchase a landline phone. We might just resolve this thing without much further bloodshed after all, letting all of us get back to our Walking Dead and online war games. Of course, we might have to concede to some of their odious terms in order to avoid a long and drawn out reconstruction with one of their rivals, but who among us would complain about having to get a house phone if it meant freedom from their oppressive monthly billing statements? Sacrifices must be made. With one of their rivals threatening to enter the conflict and offer a better alliance, the ball is in our court. I’m just a soldier in this fight, but it would be wonderful to be home from the front before Christmas. I’ve got Christmas specials on ABC Family that I want to see, after all.
Best wishes from the front,