“Want to hear something that’s funny, but also makes me kind of hate you?”
“Your profile came up on my Bumble in NYC. I was pretty excited about it, but…well, we never matched.”
“You never swiped right on me, Tine.”
Whoa, buddy. Get called out, me. And in front of a group of people I don’t know, no less. I’d love to tell you I handled it like a champ, but instead I immediately turned red and word vomited gibberish until the moment passed. Not cute.
In my defense, over the course of a year, I’ve been on a grand total of two Bumble dates – during one of which, said date passed out 20 minutes in. He fainted in the middle of our date. So, you see why I’m jaded.
Mr. Left Swipe and I met IRL while visiting our mutual friend, and I spent the better part of the weekend defending myself for not remembering that I blindly turned him down. But I’ll be honest with you: I probably don’t remember because I probably just swiped left without thinking. I rarely swipe right. My screening process is stupid strict. I swipe left at anything that might have the slightest chance of turning me off. (I’m looking at you, gym selfies and poor shoe choices.) And it’s gotten me just about nowhere.
I have my own qualms about dating apps. I work in fashion, so meeting straight guys in the light of day just ain’t happening for me. A place like Bumble is where I should be. I should be out there swiping right and meeting people and giving them a chance. But it stresses me the hell out. You have to be cute, but also quirky. You have to have a cool job, but also not take it too seriously. You have to be original, but not a tryhard. (I recently changed my bio from “Big gulps, eh?” to “Best handwriting since the Declaration of Independence,” so things are looking up.) When I see a guy’s profile that isn’t revolutionary, I shut it down.
My real life Left Swipe got me thinking about how closed off I’ve been, which is some pretty emotional shit for a gal like me. But the guys I have matched with? They either 1) Don’t respond; 2) Blow me off; or 3) End up being terrible. This guy is not my norm. He’s not meaty or hairy—at all. But after actually talking to him, I realized he was sarcastic, and he wasn’t put off by my tendency to roll my eyes as hard as I can at everything everyone says. He has a better personality than most of the guys I talk to.
Does this mean I have been missing out on all the normal dudes when I get weirded out by the Clark Kent costumes and oversized fish? Have I been skipping over the people I might get along with in favor of the guys whose little brains and massive chests I can manipulate? Certainly seems so. So when Left Swipe asked me to get drinks last week, I said yes. Results are TBD, but the lesson was learned: Before you swipe left next time, maybe…don’t? That guy or gal might have a shining personality that makes up for an off-putting photo. Give some of those left swipes a chance..
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